Lifes Kiss
by Strawberry-miow
Summary: Jesse longs to be alive while Suze dreams of those kisses they shared. There is ONE way they can be together, but one problem stands in their way. That problem comes in the form of one certain bad ass mediator who wont take no for an answer UPDATED 12.05
1. Scarlet Osculation

DISCLAIMER:- I do not, and will never, own the mediator. Jesse (unfortunately) belongs to Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot *sobs* and so does susannah, Paul, Father Dom. oh, u get the jist of it?  
  
Chapter 4 is here! Hopefully it`s a little better than the last one/ones. u know wot I mean! Anyway, please please please Read and review!  
  
Sorry for the mix-up b4, this is the REAL chapter 4! Thx for informing me of the mistake!  
  
Enjoy =)  
Oh my God! I can`t believe I just said that! I thought to myself, I bowed my head, looking at the tiles on the bathroom floor. I really didn`t want to look at Jesse right now, I mean, I had practically just told him I loved him! God, how damned stupid can you get? I was just sat there, wallowing happily in my own stupidity when I felt a hand graze my tear- stained cheek. It was smooth but strong, with well-defined muscles, it trailed down my face and rested under my chin, cupping it and gently pulling my head upwards. Jesse. I saw those big brown puppy-dog eyes moving closer to me, that perfectly sculptured face, the small white scar that I`d grown to love. And that`s when I felt Jesse`s lips brush ever so gently against mine, not once, not twice but three times! His mouth was closed though, Dammit! Maybe it was just as well though, I mean, if he decided to stick his tongue down my throat I think I`d probably pass out! When Jesse finally pulled back he said, in that rich, deep voice of his, "You don`t get rid of me that easily querida" and that is all he said. Of all the things he could have said, like `I love u querida, no-one will take me away from you` or `I will always be here by your side querida, not even Paul can change that` or even just a plain, simple `I love you` would be fine, but nooo, he just has to say the most unreadable thing in the english - spanish and possibly french - language. God damn you Jesse De Silva! Oohh. I love him so much!  
  
When my eyes finally flickered open - Yes, I closed my eyes when he kissed me, I'm a sixteen year old girl, It's not like I can control the hormones - I noticed that Jesse was no longer perched on the bathtub beside me, cradling me in his arms, kissing away my tears - unfortunately. He was gone. Simple as that. Never mind hit-and-run, this was kiss-and-run and Jesse was a serial offender. As a frown spread across my face I found that my skin was as hard as a rock. Unmoveable, on my account. Tears, that's what it was, dry tears gripping my flesh as if it was their only life force. Each patch of shrivelled up emotion felt like desiccated putty against my tender flesh, rough yet with an unreadable essence. I slowly touched my quivering hands to my cheeks, feeling the old-putty aridity of my skin. I don`t know why but I just had to touch it, know that it was really there and I wasn`t just imagining it. A lot had been happening lately, some real, some not as much as a hopeful dream, it was becoming more and more difficult to establish that normally well-defined line between the two realms. And this coming from a Mediator?  
  
As I brought my hands away from my face, assured that the tears had in fact been real. Once. I steadily sauntered over to the bathroom sink, the pink edged mirror over hanging it. I couldn't face seeing my reflection right now, I was sure I looked terrible, so I just vaguely stared into the emptiness of the shell-shaped sink. Contemplating my tears as I watched the water freely trickle down the brass-shaded plughole. Lucky water, I thought to myself through meaningless staring, every particle has another to join onto, no worrying about unrequited love or crazy-psycho-bastards looking for revenge. I sighed deeply as I placed my trembling hands under the stream of ice cool water oozing from the tap, the sharp icicles of liquid frost stabbing viscously at my skin like a thousand little knives out to penetrate my flesh. At this point I became very aware of the throbbing of my blistered feet, the stinging sensation of my prickling hands only worsening the pounding feeling inside of my head. Everything was coming at once, all the pain I had ever felt, all the tears I had ever cried, all the heartache I had ever felt. Ouch. That last thought was a little too close to home, remembering the unrequited love I held for the ghost of an incredibly hot cowboy who just happened to have shared my room at one point. Look at me, pathetic, can`t even bring myself to say his name. Girl`s got it bad! If only he did too..  
  
But he did kiss me, I thought, that must have meant something, mustn't it? It had to! And so, that's the single thread of shimmering hope I held onto, never letting it leave my grasp. After pondering over my newfound optimism for a short while, I gathered some cool water in my tingling hands, throwing it onto my face to rid me of those tears that had once marked me. The iciness of the frosted daggers digging deep into the flesh of my face, scratching off all the surface layers of my desperation and despair. I turned off the tap, grabbed a ragged cream-coloured towel and gently dabbed my face dry. That soft touch of the cotton against my skin brought back many memories of Jesse's hands stroking my cheek gently, his hands brushing against my skin intimately, his fingers caressing my flesh. Then the tears started again, just like that, as if the thread of hope had been ripped right from me in a flash, within moments uncontrollable tears were once again flooding my already flustered face. I ran into my bedroom - well, not exactly ran, the blisters preventing me from actually running anywhere but you know what I mean - feeling the need to wallow in peace. Somewhere comfortable, warm. my bed. That was the best bet.  
  
**Will Jesse make another appearance? Will there be any other ghostly visitors? What will become of our favourite mediator? Paul? Will he remain a fucked up bastard forever? I wonder... You`ll just have to review and find out! =)*/* 


	2. Never meant to be?

Never meant to be..?  
  
By strawberry_miow  
  
~*~  
  
I remained crouched on the ground, eyes scanning listlessly over the words in front of me, letters painted in black and red ink all blurring together in a wash of semi-coherences strung together to form something beyond my knowledge. My breathing was short and measured, raspy as if in expectancy of something I couldn't change --- the inevitable, so they say, is the one and only certainty of existence, I frowned.  
  
Nothing.nothing at all..I frantically flicked through the aged pages of the book, tinged yellow slightly and rough under my touch, brief mentions of salutations between life and death weaved from line to line, along with something about mediators being the ones to guide the spirits to where they are meant to be, sometimes that not necessarily the great beyond. I shrugged; it was all a little confusing for my brainpower in the early hours of the morning.  
  
Faint traces of footsteps outside the door set my ears to high alert, ceasing reading immediately I panicked and slipped the book under my sweater --- god knows how I managed to fit it up there, it being hardback and all but it made it incredibly uncomfortable all the same --- I saw lights flicker outside the office door and my heart leapt into my throat, damn, I cursed silently, hoping no-one would discover me here, that would all but confirm my dumb step-brothers idea of me being in a gang, along with getting me grounded for oh, say, at least a month.  
  
Anticipation threaded itself through my veins as muffled voices echoed blearily into the room, I felt like someone out of one of those action movies, stealing some great secret and trying not to get caught with people on my trail rapidly catching on.  
  
It was like being in James Bond, agent 007 reporting.I snickered despite myself.  
  
I heard what sounded an awful lot like somebody going to open the door and reveal my.indecent activities, it's not like I was guilty for much though..breaking into the school and raiding the principal's office, along with breaking his desk and stealing some book, surely they could go easy on me once.right?  
  
I bit on my lower lip in preparation, letting out a huge sigh of relief when the noise stopped and I once again heard footsteps, this time fading into the air. Good. That meant they were leaving.  
  
Slowly I stood up, trying to be as quiet as I could, hoping to all things high and mighty that they wouldn't come back until I was safely out of there, hell, even unsafely out of there would be fine..I tip-toed my way to the door and eased it open, scrunching my face up at the loud screech it made [Note to self - buy Father Dom oil for Christmas], stepping out and letting it gently close behind me.  
  
The old, musty book still stuffed under my sweater, I walked swiftly along the dimly lit hallways, onsets of dawn filtering through the windows like twines of old gold in fog, I walked with some sense of authority, just in case someone who didn't know me walked past and I could pretend to have at least one tenth of the amount of power that I did over my own actions.  
  
Once I was safely out of the way of being caught, my speed walking suddenly turned into sprinting, running down the hallways in such a fashion even Father Dom would have reprimanded me for it, I sniggered silently to myself at the thought, half wondering what one had to do to get expelled by him. I mean, even causing the building to fall down didn't warrant so much, been there done that after all.  
  
I wiped all these ridiculous, sleep-lacking thoughts away as I came to the window to climb out of, pushing it open with my hands I lifted one leg over the ledge, following it up with the other as I, this time, landed with my feet intact on the ground, grinning to myself I ran off home, hoping to get at least an hours sleep in before I had to get ready for school but by looking at the colour of the blue Carmel sky, I seriously doubted it would happen.  
  
~*~  
  
The whole house was just beginning to stir when I finally arrived back, for some reason the walk home seemed a lot longer than the walk there had..shrugging the strange thoughts off, I climbed through my window, lionising myself for leaving it open. The curtains fluttered slightly in the breeze as I landed quietly on the other side, pulling the plane glass shut to keep the cool morning air from freezing me more than I already was.  
  
Sighing from lack of sleep, I walked over to my bed, pulling the book out from underneath my sweater I placed it on the mattress, collapsing onto the bed myself in a desperate act to catch as many winks as I could before I was dragged out of my slumber, unlucky for me, as soon as my eyes dropped closed a loud blaring echoed through my room. My alarm clock.  
  
Typical, the one item in my room that would have survived irrational ghost behaviour, just for me.  
  
I mumbled a few curses under my breath before my mom knocked on my door and came in, "Suzie, time for school" she looked at my state of still-dress and smiled, not realising the clothes were the exact ones I had on yesterday, "Oh, good, you're dressed already, I`ll go tell your brother you're all set then" she chirped as she bounced off. I, on the other hand, groaned. Ten minutes to get ready, sometimes I think parents lose brains with childbirth.  
  
Twenty minutes later I was stood, leaning against one of the walls inside Juniperro Serra Mission Academy, trying to look like I was at least half- awake and, might I add, failing miserably. Yet another yawn stretched my lips as Adam and Cee-Cee chattered about something or other, every now and then I summoned the energy for a simply nod or a mumbled "yes" or "no". I wasn't the best person to deal with that day.  
  
Morning classes came and passed, as per usual, with me trying to look interested in something I didn't really care about, not that I cared about anything that day, except the undeniable need to sleep, then I might have been able to form coherent sentences like a normal person, or at least pretend to know what people were talking about. Instead, I got to sit there and try not to get yelled at, it was fun---really, it was.  
  
The lunch bell rang and I found my eyes drifting towards their own little world, I think at some point Cee-Cee asked me what I had done the night before to make me so tired, implying, of course, unmentionable activities with a certain cowboy ghost she had found out about a while back, she knew I`d `broken up` with Paul, or at least that's what I`d told her.that I realised I wanted Jesse or something to that effect. Either way, it had worked.  
  
I was sleepily walking to homeroom for afternoon registration when Father Dom called me to his office, I was too dazed to be worried or even consider it was about the book that had somehow.`gone missing` from his desk, or about the fact that his desk was now broken, if I was in the right mind I probably would have.  
  
"Susannah, take a seat" he instructed me calmly as I stepped through the door, closing the painted oak wood behind me, he took his place behind his desk, his usually chirpy blue eyes dulled to somewhat smoky half-grey fog. I was a little worried.  
  
"Now I know how you feel abut Jesse." he began but I cut him off, not really feeling in the mood for another lecture on the flaws of mixed-status dating, dead.alive.and all of that.  
  
Impatiently, I snapped, "Father Dom, you've told me all of this before, how it's.`inappropriate` and I`ll only get hurt but-"  
  
Now it was his turn to interrupt me, "Susannah, I didn't call you here to lecture you on the feelings you may or may not have" he sighed, rubbing his temples frustrated, something was wrong, I knew it..  
  
He fumbled about in his pockets for a moment before drawing out an envelope, sealed and addressed with fancy old-century lettering. He met my eyes, "Here"  
  
With a look of curiosity I took the paper from him and looked at it closely, my name was spelled out on the front, but not `suze` as most people called me, no.`Susannah` which meant it could be from one of two people. I gulped, Father Dom confirming my suspicions.  
  
"Jesse asked me to..erm.to give it to you" not many people would have noticed the stutter in the middle, but I did. Now Father Dom wasn't usually one to stutter, stammer or anything that falls in that category unless something was very wrong.  
  
I closed my eyes briefly, taking a few calm breaths just in case. Shakily I tore open the envelope and pulled out the slip of paper inside, "No.." I whispered, the envelope falling to the floor like a solitary tear, "No." I repeated as my eyes scanned over the words time and time again, "No..."  
  
------ Querida,  
Thank you for everything, I truly didn't deserve all you gave to me yet I took it despite my qualms, for that you deserve all the happiness in the world. I only hope you find it someday. I`ll miss you but some things were never meant to be.  
  
Always,  
Jesse ------- 


	3. The Gateway

The Gateway  
  
By Strawberry_miow (Jen)  
  
~*~  
  
The shadows coiled around the night, words on the gravestone dimming to almost unreadable, darkness opening to more darkness as all light was ruled out by the impossible yearning for something so far out of reach it would have humorous under different circumstances. The rustling of autumn leaves and the cruel, mocking hunting call of the night owls finally tugged me out of my silent pondering, tears stinging my eyes slightly as I turned away, starting walking back to the mission.  
  
I was half in one line of thought yet completely compelled to another, question after question layering to form one hell of a confused state falling over me like a black rainbow, had Jesse actually believed me? I hoped he had yet from his words I didn't seem to believe it. he had seemed so distant, resigned, but the way he had kissed me..my tongue unconsciously swept out and licked my lips, taking in the last lingering tastes of him.  
  
But why hadn't he believed me? I mean, its not like he had good reason not to.surely he knew how I felt about Paul by now? I mean, I`d expressed it rather colourfully on a number of occasions, but then again, maybe it wasn't that he was upset about..I sighed again, why was I even bothering trying to come up with explanations for the most unreadable person in the world?  
  
I shrugged it off, it was getting kind of late and I had school tomorrow, I carefully slipped back inside the cold, deserted building, half of me was walking to the rectory to confront signor DeSilva, while the other part of me were screaming hey, other half! Where the hell are you going?  
  
Gentle moonlight shimmered over the linoleum tiled hallways, it was that cheap blue stuff you always found in schools and the such, budget problems apparently, it looked like silent water mixing to turbulent as lemon light echoed over its shadows, my gentle footsteps were the only sound, along with slow, shallow breathing, mind stirring with so many questions and so many answers, none, of course, which fit together.  
  
I did come to one conclusion that night if nothing else though, Jesse being upset, him thinking I was in love with Paul, me wanting to break every bone in that mediator's body..all of it, every last thread of it, tied down to Paul Slater.  
  
I smiled at that, well, a little anyway, on top of everything else going on it was a small comfort to know somebody else was to blame. A slight spring echoed in my step at that point, a little more optimistic than I had been earlier that day, now only one thing remained to do, well besides the whole Jesse ordeal that I really didn't want to go into there and then, and that was to sort out Mr Slater, and by that I mean somehow stop him from screwing with my happys. Well, if he was a mediator, shifter or whatever the hell the self-proclaimed-God was calling himself these days surely there would be a book of some sort to help right?  
  
Well, lets just say that is how I found myself in Father Dom`s office at approximately 2am on a Wednesday morning.  
  
I figured that if anyone were to have information on the sort it would be the good old nice-guy mediator himself, spiritual healer and that crap. I crouched down on the floor by the big rusted-oak bookcase and beginning pulling off titles, much to my disappointment, most of which seemed to be graphic fantasy novels of some sort or schoolbooks, I pretty much emptied the whole first shelf, books amass on the ground around me, J quickly, hastily, shoved them back on the bookcase and moved to the next shelf..and the next..and the next, smacking the wood fiercely with annoyance when I discovered it was all full of a load of stuff that was useless to anybody.  
  
I walked around the room, looking on every table for anything of value to me in the search, even resorting to whispering "oh little books, come out come out wherever you are." I blame it on the lack of sleep and the fact of still being in the place at the early hours of half three in the morning.  
  
I approached the good father's desk and began hastily opening and closing the drawers, finding nothing at all but old term papers and detention slips, unfilled, by the truckload, he really needs to harden up I mused to myself, slightly amused by the whole thing.  
  
I came to a draw that was locked and that is where my attention stuck, if it was locked there had to be a reason for it right? He had be hiding something.I mean, people don't just go around locking their cupboards for no reason right? For people to break into it out of curiosity for nothing to be there? Although I wasn't breaking in it.no, I was simply..helping us all out by finding a way to permanently restrain Paul Slater, yes that was it.  
  
And that is what I kept telling myself as I applied a little brutal force to the stubborn wood, trying to pry it open with my fingernails and everything I had.after about half an hour or so, it eventually came unlocked, obviously growing weary of my weak attempts as it grew less and less amused, I really needed some sleep soon, I really did..I was just hoping I didn't get to that stage of exhaustion that I started singing songs from some old age rock farce I had never heard of.  
  
That would just be embarrassing.  
  
I bent down to the now partly open drawer and eased it out of the desk, making only a light noise as it slid along the contraptions, I peered into it and found a few slips of old paper, some photographs faded from age, a few candy bars and a pack of cigarettes.why wasn't I surprised? Yet I growled in frustration as I rummaged through the drawer, about to slam it shut when my fingers stumbled upon what felt like a hard-back book, I carefully pulled it out, slightly excited, as I blew on the dusted cover.  
  
It was large and dusty, yet well kept, the pages crumpled a little yet I thought it more likely from age than anything else, it looked to be quite old, paper thick like that of the times when they still wrote with feathered quills and ink pots. The cover was jet black, hard-backed, yet with no author name whatsoever. All that it had on the front was a small symbol in ink just as dark, a rune of some sort I guessed, closing the drawer I flicked through a few pages when I found one marked out by some sort of string, black leather twine I realised as I gently pulled it from the book, there was a kind of amulet on the bottom, the same symbol as was on the front of the book, without thinking I slipped it over my head, it was awfully pretty..  
  
I glanced down at the page it had marked, a picture of the symbol in blood red ink, hand-written explanation next to it..  
  
The Gateway rune: One of the many set of runes belonging to the religion, traditionalists believe it dates back to the time of..  
  
I scanned further down, not really caring about the history of whatever the hell it was:  
  
Sometimes called the rune of darkness by certain practitioners depending mainly on their perception of purity versus non..  
  
I sighed, frustrated, as I once again read further down, when the text caught my eye:  
  
The name for this particular rune is derived from the sole purpose of the spiritual gateway, a path to connect the afterlife to this life...  
  
I raised an eyebrow at that and fondled the stone hanging around my neck, ok so it's some freaky mediator good luck charm I thought to myself.  
  
...Oh I didn't know how much. 


	4. Alone in the Dark

**Sorry guys, I know it's been a while but I've had college work to do and so on, the exams are over now! (Woo hoo) but still got a lot to do in preparation for next years studies.But hopefully, I`ll have a lot more free time to write more fic! What? Don't I even get a yay? *Sighs* Oh well.here it is! Hope you enjoy! The song lyrics are by the ever-wonderful Testament. And a big thanks to everyone who has reviewed!! *Hugs* I love you guys!**  
  
~*Alone in the dark  
  
Where the Demons are torturing me  
  
The dark passages of revenge  
  
Is all that I see*~  
  
***  
  
"Paul" I spat out, distaste and venom echoing through my voice. I just couldn't believe this.it was like it was all happening to somebody else, because it certainly wasn't my life.oh no no no.  
  
As you can probably tell I was in denial.  
  
I glanced around the room, eyes meeting nothing but the dark shadows of the night, flickers of light here and there from the moonlight streaming through my window, Maria carefully unlatched it, keeping one hand firmly around my neck.  
  
I struggled under her grasp, I swear they must have some sort of Ghost fitness centre or training ground, or...something, in the great beyond because all of them seemed to be unnaturally strong.  
  
That didn't stop me trying though, I swung a leg back and kicked her hard in the shins..One nil suze I felt like shouting, as she flinched..but when she started laughing, well, quite a different story.  
  
She had murder etched in her features, but this time, I somehow knew a cousin she was betrothed to wasn't the target.  
  
"Nice evening isn't it Suze?" Paul's sardonic voice rang out as he climbed in through the window, dressed impeccably in navy blue and ebony, dark ink.  
  
Ok, OK now I know what you're thinking.Paul Slater equals evil so why is this girl going all goo-goo over him? Well, you see, it's not that simple..yeah, he is demon in human skin but I just happen to like his human skin.. ..I'm warm for his form ok? I'm sixteen and female, the hormones pretty much do whatever the hell they want!  
  
"Could be better" I retorted, proud of the amount of sarcasm and hardness in my tone - I hoped.  
  
He laughed - yes, you read that right - he laughed. Now if it wasn't for the whole being pinned to the window seat by some 150+ archfiend spirit, I would have broke his nose...  
  
I guess he was lucky really!  
  
I wasn't.  
  
"Nice to see you again" he purred, standing right in front of me, blocking my view of the tools stash behind Maria, "Hope you and my.friend, are getting on nicely"  
  
Ooooh, he was so dead! As soon as the bitch let go of me..which, of course, she showed no signs of doing anytime soon.  
  
Damn.  
  
"Your friend?" I asked, the connotations of his words hitting me like a dozen bricks - hard and painful, "So you're the `friend` she owes a favour to?" I couldn't help it; anger took hold of me around the neck and a long list of curse words followed, all of which are of course unrepeatable.  
  
He grinned, "Now, now that's not how a lady speaks" of course, which caused me to curse yet again.  
  
"So what do you want Paul?" I asked impatiently, the fact that there were two of them and one of me really getting on my nerves right about now, and where was Jesse exactly? I mean, before whenever I got hunted down by evil spirits or kidnapped by wannabe vampires brothers he always showed up to, you know, save the day - riding in on his big white horse, living up to his cowboy reputation..  
  
But this time? Nothing. Zero. Zilch.  
  
He definitely did not have any feelings for me then..  
  
I mean, I knew that before, the whole kiss and run, not loving me back, arguments thing..but I always kind of hoped, I mean a part of my mind thinking he was just shy or something..  
  
Oh he was definitely shy now! Not even bothering to show up and say hello to the crazy bastard he beat up and the psycho he almost got married to..  
  
My life is normal - really, it is!  
  
Well, for me anyway...  
  
"The same as always." Paul murmured, eyes reflecting with glittering shards of the moon making him look, much to my displeasure, very hot, he leant forward, his lips a breath away from mine, "You"  
  
Really, this was getting real old, real fast..I mean, the first few times I was flattered, the hot mediator being in love with me and all, but after Jesse kissed me..well, it kind of just became annoying after that. Hell, everything became annoying after that! Especially the fact that Jesse didn't show his cute, ghostly face for like a week afterwards..as he pretty much seemed to be doing this time too.  
  
"I'm not yours to have Paul" I snapped, the smug expression on his face dropping to that of anger and murder, somewhat matching that of Maria`s.I swear, if it wasn`t for the whole being crushed to death by one of them and the other looking like he was about to make sure that death happened, it would have been funny.  
  
He raised an eyebrow, stepping back as the ghost tightened her grip on me, "Oh really?" he asked sarcastically, "Then who's are you? That dead cowboy of yours?" he chuckled.  
  
Ok, now that just pissed me off! Simply for 2 reason:  
  
Number 1 - Only I could call Jesse a cowboy  
  
And  
  
Number 2 - I would never be Jesse's, just like he would never be mine, and the bastard had just reminded me of that fact!  
  
My eyes flared, no one, but no one, badmouthed my Jesse, "Leave him out of this!"  
  
This only made him laugh harder - figures, "Oh he'll be out of this completely soon." she smirked smugly, I felt like smacking that grin right off his pretty face.  
  
Then the words hit home..well, I mean, come on! Would you get it right away if you were near death? Didn't think so! Show a little sympathy..  
  
"What?!" I exclaimed, frantic, if he touched Jesse I swear.I would make him a ghost just so I could torture him, I`d got quite skilled at inflicting pain on spirits if I don't say so myself..  
  
"You heard me" he stated, god I hated how he could make everything sound so.nice, which, just by chance, happened to be the complete opposite of him, "Your little Boyfriend could be taking a little trip to the mists anytime soon.."  
  
Oh shit.  
  
"What?!" I yelled again, you see, the way I figure it is this: repetition always gets the point across, at this moment, the hatred and confusion, "You.I'm..why?!" very understandable Suze, well done! "Lets just say if Paul's unhappy, I'm unhappy." Maria smirked, ruby red lips twisting cruelly, "And at the minute.he's very unhappy, so, we have top make him..smile"  
  
I didn't like the way she said tat last word, oh I didn't like it at all. I think the confusion on my face was answer enough because Paul grinned, and continued where his `twin` had left off.  
  
"I want you Suze, " he smiled, "You know that.and I care for you, which is why I am doing this."  
  
Ok, a little lost...  
  
He grinned as if he'd already won, "You agree to go out with me." his eyes sparkled as he added, "Properly" the hidden meanings oh so apparent, get some subtlety I felt like screaming, but I didn't, "As in dancing, dinner..desert" he licked his lips as he eyed he up and down, I couldn't believe this.I really couldn't..  
  
I mean, how dare he come into my room in the middle of the night, threaten me with some century old bimbo just to ask me on a date?! I mean, get a life!  
  
Hmm.doesn't seem to work as well with one who deals with ghosts, does it now?  
  
"As in be my girlfriend." he continued, I could pinpoint the exact moment when my hear lurched into my throat from the shock, and just as I was recovering from, that, he added with a grin, "Or you may just find your little cowboy ghost boyfriend Jesse waiting for you in the shadowlands.or further"  
  
Oh no he wasn't...he didn't..no no no no no..he was so not going to do that?! He did not just even say it! Nah huh!  
  
I shook slightly from his words, the effect somewhat disastrous, "You.you're going to..you're going to mediate Jesse?" I finally got out, voice quivering.I had a feeling he wanted to get Jesse, hurt him, `kill` him...I knew all of that, but send him away? Never saw that one coming, I mean, he tried once, I always thought he had at least a little bit of originality..  
  
Obviously Not.  
  
He grinned, smug and looking pretty victorious, yet he expected me to go out with him if he `killed` the guy I was in love with? I was pretty sure he'd find himself very welcome in the mental Institute!  
  
"Only if your answer is no." he murmured, smirking wildly, "So Suze, what's it gonna be?"  
  
What choice did I have? 


	5. Clandestine whispers

DISCLAIMER:- I do not, and will never, own the mediator. Jesse (unfortunately) belongs to Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot *sobs* and so does susannah, Paul, Father Dom. oh, u get the jist of it?  
  
Ok , this is my first attempt at a mediator fic so *be nice* please? Anyway, this is just a kinda set-the-scene sorta thing. Please please please review n I will post the next chapter as soon as I get 5 reviews! Promise! =)  
  
Thank God it's Saturday, I thought to myself as I slowly emerged from underneath my bedcovers. I sat up in the big, four poster bed, that my mother had absolutely insisted I had when we had moved to Northern California. When we lived in Brooklyn most of the girls there would never even of heard of such a thing, after all, NYC wasn't exactly known for it's `exquisite girlie tastes` lets say. When I arrived here my room had already been decorated in cream and Pink, Pink for God`s sake! But it was too late to object, what was done was done, and plus, I was more bothered, at the time, about the ghost of an incredibly hot guy sprawled across the window seat. Jesse. Jesse DeSilva to be exact, well let me explain, you see, I, Susannah Simon, former freak of Brooklyn, am a mediator. Basically, that means that I am the poor sap stuck escorting the dead to their next `destination` and let me tell you, it is not the glorious, spiritually fulfilling job that Father Dom insists it is. well, not all the time. Meeting Jesse being the exception to that of course. I stretched my arms as I let a big yawn escape from my lips, not that I was tired or anything, just well, I`m not really a morning person if you know what I mean. I swiftly twisted my body around and swung my legs over the side of the bed, planting my feet firmly on the hard ground. I soon regretted that. My feet still had some remains of blisters on them from having to run home from that bastard Paul Slater`s little minions, or Hell`s Angel`s as I like to call them. Jesse had got Paul good for doing that to me though, even if he didn`t know the complete story.  
  
Speaking of Jesse... My eyes automatically sped around the room looking for that Latino Lovely. When he lived - well I say lived, but more like stayed - in my room it was much easier to find him, on a morning when I woke he was normally perched on the window seat, petting that damn cat of his. But since Father Dom had insisted Jesse move out of my room and into the rectory, it`s like I never saw him any more. Which I so couldn`t deal with! I mean, he`d kissed me, not once, but twice. Twice! And then he goes and disappears on me. Men. "God damn it" I muttered to myself as I stumbled across my bedroom floor, "This is why I objected to it Father Dom" I screamed silently, "I just knew this was going to happen!" warm tears began welling in my eyes as I was trying to get across to the window seat, but failing, miserably.  
  
"You knew what was going to happen Querida?" a deep voice echoed through the air. I knew who it belonged to, and with this knowledge I couldn`t stop a smile spreading across my face. I turned around, careful not to lose my balance. That would just be too embarrassing! As I turned I found myself face to face with those luscious liquid ink eyes I had dreamed of, they stared at me worriedly. "Jesse!" I screeched, I knew my voice was squeaky, it always was when I talked with Jesse. No-one else. Just Jesse. I accepted the fact that I couldn`t change this and therefore decided just to ignore it. Well, the best I could sounding like Mickey Mouse on helium. Jesse smiled at me, one of those heart-melting sideward grins that Jesse was so damn good at. I felt my heart speed up and I almost lost my balance, but Jesse grabbed hold of my arms to steady me. He wrapped his strong, dark hands around my upper arms, which, honestly, didn't really do much for my balance if you know what I mean. He looked deep into my eyes; he was going to kiss me. I could almost picture it in my mind, him moving his perfectly sculptured face closer to mine, our noses touches - the familiar tingles spreading through my body, his lips brushing against mine softly and my heart melting. I`ll tell you something, he kissed almost too good for a dead guy! Not that I go around kissing ghosts on a regular basis or anything, not that I've even really had much experience in the kissing department. I've had a total of about four kisses, well; proper kisses and two of those were from Jesse. So, I can't exactly say I'm an expert.  
  
"Susannah.. Susannah? " Jesse`s deep, smooth voice jerked me away from my thoughts, I looked placidly into his eyes of endless depth. "Um. Yeah?" I answered, reverting my gaze away from him so he didn`t see my cheeks glowing with a gentle red. After I pulled my face away though, I regretted it deeply. Damn! I thought to myself because Jesse also, slowly pulled his head back. "Susannah, are you ok?" He whispered gently as he tightened his grip on my arms. I loved it when he acted possessive over me! I took a step sideways, just casually moving my feet as if it was a usual thing to do during conversation. "Yeah, Yeah I`m fine. I`m good. Great. Couldn`t be better!" I muttered, yeah I know, I went a little overboard but hey, what did you think I`d say? `Jesse I miss you please live in my bedroom.` Oh I`m sure my dad would just be thrilled about that. I fixed my gaze firmly on the floor. I felt Jesse`s hands relax a little as he said "Good" and although I couldn`t see his face from my eyes looking at the floor, I am sure that smiled. Or I`d like to think so. There was a long silence after Jesse spoke, I didn`t say anything in case I accidentally blurted out that I missed him, I don`t know why he didn`t speak though. I know I would like to think it`s because he was so distracted by me being there, but I don`t know.. Hey, a girl can dream can`t she?  
  
After a long while Jesse let go of me and his arms flopped down by his sides. He let out a deep breath and I said, not letting my gaze leave the floor, "Jesse" but he seemed to ignore me. I said it again and again, but instead of answering he just started pacing the floor of my room, like he normally did when he was upset or angry about something. That something was usually me though. "Susannah, I -" Jesse began, I looked up at him and he stopped mid-sentence, looking at me with those dark eyes of his. God, I was going to start blushing again, I just knew it. I bit my bottom lip hard, "umh- hmh" I managed to squeeze out. Jesse ran one of those strong, tanned hands through his mass of short, raven hair, which, might I add, he generally only did when he was frustrated. I watched him as he went and sat on the edge of my bed , my unmade bed might I add, and I slowly shuffled over there too. I sat down next to Jesse as he fumbled with the words he obviously wanted to say. Of course, I didn`t know what they were at the time. Slowly, I took one my own trembling hands and placed it on Jesse`s, which was incredibly warm for a ghost`s. He looked up at me and smiled, the corners of his perfect lips creased at the corners. "What`s wrong?" I stuttered, I was originally going to say `what`s up` but Jesse wasn`t really familiar which 21st century lingo. Jesse took my other hand in his and looked into my eyes, ok, he isn't going to kiss you, I told myself. He is not going to kiss you. Not. I strictly told myself, if I didn`t I know I would have been twinkling like Rudolph`s nose on Christmas Eve.  
  
Jesse took a deep breath before whispering softly, "Susannah, I ---"  
*wanna know wot Jesse was about to, or is gonna say? Then review n ull find out! ;-) Don`t u just love cliff hangers? Hehe.. please R/R =) * 


	6. Ardour Reunion

DISCLAIMER:- I do not, and will never, own the mediator. Jesse (unfortunately) belongs to Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot *sobs* and so does susannah, Paul, Father Dom. oh, u get the jist of it?  
  
This the second chapter of the story, ots of revelations coming up in the next couple of chapters, this is kinda the link thingy between it all. If u want the next chapters then please please please read and review!!!! I need 3 reviews before I post the next chapter ok?  
  
Enjoy =)  
  
Jesse took a deep breath before whispering softly, "Susannah, I---" he began before blurting out "Paul's back". I gasped, I`m not quite sure whether it was because of the `Susannah, I---` cut-off sentence or the `Paul`s back`, but either way I screeched "What?!" As quietly as I could, hey if anybody walked in they'd probably think I was talking to myself and declare me insane, Then I wouldn't get to see Jesse again. I`d be shipped off to some mental hospital in some state no one has ever heard of before. I looked at Jesse, trying not to look too shocked or surprised. I guess I`m not a very good actress though because Jesse wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "It`ll be ok" Jesse whispered into my hair, "I promise Susannah, I`d never let anything happen to the girl I-" He stopped short when he noticed that I had a big grin on my face. I didn`t know what he was actually going to say, but I could dream. I felt my heart fluttering in my chest, the way only Jesse could make it. I tried to calm myself as I said, what I hoped, blandly, "So what do you suggest we do?" But as hard as I tried the smile wouldn`t leave my face and to my surprise Jesse started grinning to, at the time I thought it was because I was smiling. A smile apparently being infectious and all, but as Jesse said the words I could hardly contain my excitement. "Me and father Dom have been talking and we find it in your best interest if I -" He paused as a huge grin seemed to engulf his face, "If I come and stay here for a while" I stared at him then like I did when I thought he wasn't looking, he quickly added, "Just until things get back to normal." That`s when I knew why he was smiling, he was genuinely happy! He liked staying with me! I felt my heart beating faster; I didn't even make a crack about things never being normal, which, for me, was a miracle! My heart sped up even more as Jesse inched closer to me, we were practically nose to nose when he whispered "Is that ok with you?" At that point I felt incapable of speech so I just nodded my head. Jesse seemed surprised at this to say the least; he even pulled back a little, much to my disappointment. "Am I not even worth a yes or an ok?" I let out a little laugh at this point, but I`m sure it sounded more like a hiccup. "Actually I'm glad" I stuttered, " I mean, I kind of miss you-" I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth, I quickly added "well, I mean, I have no one to close my windows on a morning and it gets cold in here with the morning wind and everything and the cat misses you a lot, it won`t stop mewing and the damn thing keeps scratching my legs and it still hates me so I cant real-" Jesse made a sshhh gesture to me as he planted a kiss on my forehead, like he sometimes did when I was asleep. Of course, he didn`t know that I knew he did this, but I did and sometimes I closed my eyes pretending to be asleep just to feels his lips against my skin. Pathetic, I know. "I understand" he said through silent laughter. Acting was one career option I could safely cross of the list.  
  
For a while me and Jesse just sat there, watching the sun outside my - our - window, then I heard a gentle knock on my door before it swung open to reveal my mother. I glanced at the space next to me on the window seat, Jesse was gone. I cast my gaze back up at my mother. She was dressed in a casual outfit of black trousers and an old country-style jumper. She never, and I mean never wore jeans, maybe that`s why she has a problem with my favourite pair. "Suze" she said, her gaze directly at my eyes, "Father Dominic is on the phone for you. Something about some extra credit?" I understood right away, me and Father Dom had come up with this system that whenever he called me at home, for ghost-busting business, he was to call it `extra-credit`, which, if you think about it, it kind of is, extra credit I mean. "I`ll be right there mom" I replied, my mom lingered in the doorway as I grabbed my robe and pulled it over my pj`s - well, T-shirt and boxers- and walked towards the door, a quick glance to see if Jesse had re- materialised, and then I followed my mom downstairs.  
  
I walked into the main living room, passing rows and rows of pictures my mom had obviously put up, pictures of me as a baby - oh God, how embarrassing, I just hoped Jesse never went on little walks around the house while I was at school, I would just die. Well not literally, me being a mediator and all, oh you know what I mean. Anyway, as I reached the telephone table I picked up the smooth, white receiver and placed my hand over the mouth piece as I quickly glanced around to see if anyone was nearby, and could be eavesdropping - like my older stepbrothers (sleepy and dopey) usually did. I found Andy sitting at the kitchen table going over some papers, he obviously did paperwork, s that would make him some sort of manager or teacher right? They did that sort of work I thought, I really should ask him someday what it is he actually does. Doc was sat with him, at the kitchen table I mean, laptop on the space in front of him. Probably researching something like quantum physics for when he gets to the twelfth grade or something, "Preparation is the key to success" is one of his favourite sayings, maybe that`s why I`m always failing.  
  
"That your boyfriend on the phone there Suze?" came a voice, I twirled around to find Dopey standing behind me, "What was his name again? Jesse?"  
  
**Well, was Jesse there when Dopey said this? Was someone else there? Does dopey get another reminder of why not to mess with suze? Hmm. I wonder.. Oh welll, you`ll just have to review and see ;-) ** 


	7. Bewildered Confession

DISCLAIMER:- I do not, and will never, own the mediator. Jesse (unfortunately) belongs to Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot *sobs* and so does susannah, Paul, Father Dom. oh, u get the jist of it?  
  
Chapter 3, as promised! Please please please please please read and review! 5 reviews for the next chapter!!  
  
Enjoy =)  
  
"That your boyfriend on the phone there Suze?" came a voice, I twirled around to find Dopey standing behind me, "What was his name again? Jesse?" he chirped before I got chance to respond. I felt my cheeks growing warm, I knew I was blushing. Oh God, I just hoped Jesse was nowhere around to hear that. Yeah, I love Jesse and all but actually telling him that I love him? That`s another question. I never can, tell him I love him I mean. It would just be too embarrassing! Maybe someday, after the whole Paul- trying-to-kill-me thing blows over. But for now, I`d prefer to love in secret but my stupid brother - STEP-brother I mean - obviously has other ideas. God, does he have to embarrass me in every way possible? Thank God we are not related by blood, that`s what I say.  
  
"Dop-" I began, then suddenly realising what I`d said, quickly corrected it, "Brad I mean, would you just get lost!" I screeched, except I didn`t say get lost. He shot me a glance before saying "tsk - tsk Susannah, such language!" Oh my God! Did I just hear - he sounded a lot like - I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. Thinking about Jesse was definitely not the solution. To anything. Except maybe.. Stop it, I ordered myself, that will never happen, so stop it. Dopey`s amused laughter echoed through the house, God that boy is full of hot air, I thought to myself. I clenched my fingers into a fist and Dopey calmed his chuckles and his face was such a picture that I stifled a giggle of my own. Obviously he was remembering the last time I punched him, so was I and that brought a smile to my lips. Dopey cast me a look that could turn even fire cold as he walked away from me, as he walked backwards into the kitchen he made a rude gesture with his hands. "Brad!" Andy`s voice bellowed at his son, "I have a mind to ground you for that.." His voice became quieter and quieter as I saw him drag his son further into the kitchen. I couldn`t help but let laughter escape my lips as I looked on in amusement, hey, it`s not like I started it! "Susannah! . Susannah!" I heard my name being called and looked around, half expecting my other dumb step-brother Sleepy to be stood around somewhere, waiting to make the same crack as Dopey. How original. "Susannah Simon, I am appalled!" The voice said again, the phone receiver in my hand quivering gently. Oh right, Father Dom was on the phone! In all the -erm - excitement, I guess I must have forgotten. I quickly pulled the receiver up to my ear, my eyes still darting around the room looking out for intruders.  
  
"Susannah I am appalled! If you talked to the dead like you do your brothers -" Father Dom stopped short, probably realising that I did, talk to the ghosts with the same attitude I mean. It`s not like it was so bad... hey, they were already dead, it`s not like a few harsh words could hurt them now! Father Dom cleared his throat before starting again, "Anyway." he began, "I thought I`d just call to see how you feel about Jesse staying with you for a while. Has he talked to you yet?" I grinned sheepishly, remembering Jesse`s face as he told me, as I replied with a simple "Yes" answer. I didn`t want to say anything else as I didn`t want to give anything away. But what was there to give away? Jesse had smiled at me, big whoop-de-doo. Well, actually it was like a grin, you see, when Jesse smiles his lips crease just a little at the corners, but when he grins the white scar - totally not the point Susannah, I told myself sharply. But Jesse smiling was a big deal for me, I mean it isn`t as great as a kiss, but hey, it1s something.  
  
"Susannah? Susannah? Are you there?" Father Dom`s voice bellowed down the phone. I have got to stop doing that! Thinking like that about Jesse I mean, especially when other people are involved. I mean, it`s not like Jesse sees me as anything other than a --- I stopped myself in mid-thought and turned all my attention to the phone. Well, maybe not all my attention, but enough. "I`m here Father Dom" I said into the receiver, my voice quivering slightly, " "Just had a little. err.. Problem to sort out" Yeah, my wandering mind, I added silently. There was a moments pause before Father Dom`s voice echoed quietly into my ear, "Err. Ghost problem Susannah?" I knew exactly what he meant as soon as the words left his lips. Had a ghost shown up wanting `help`, as Father Dom would put it. Father Dom, like me, was also a mediator. Another with the same doomed fate as I. The only difference being that he calls it a `gift` - yeah right! You try kicking ghost butt at three in the morning then getting up for school a few hours later, if you did you would definitely not be calling it a `gift`. Anyway, my theory is that Father Dom has to call it a`gift`, being a Priest and all. Either way he likes to `help` ghosts, or lost spirits, find their way to the afterlife by being nice, kind and considerate. Personally, I think this method sucks. I, of course, like to kick their sorry asses to that happy place beyond the stars.  
  
Hey, It`s still helping isn`t it?  
  
Of course, there is one particular spirit that I would never wanna do that to. Jesse. If he left I don`t know what I`d do. I`d. I`d. Dammit! I`ve done it again haven`t I? Damn that dead cowboy, if he wasn`t so hot maybe I wouldn`t - Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!  
  
"Father Dom?" I asked, grinding all thoughts of Jesse to a minimum, "Why is-" I paused briefly as the whole freakin` Addam`s family entered the main room. "Why is. the American economy on an uprise compared to what it was in the 1980`s? Did I hear that right?" I stammered as I felt my step- brothers` eyes on me as they walked towards the door with my mom and Andy. I hope what I`d said made some sense, it just kind of came stumbling out, know what I mean? "Suze?" Andy called, I turned my head in the direction of the voice, phone still very much attached to my ear, "Sorry to interrupt but me and your mother are going shopping downtown and the boys are hitting the beach. Will you be ok on your own?" He asked. Oh, he sounds so cute when he tries to be cool. Not. I nodded my head as they waved and walked out of the door. I turned my attention back to the phone. "Sorry about that Father Dom" I said into the receiver, "they`re gone now"  
  
Father Dom responded with a simple "ok" so I continued. "As I was saying." I began, "W-Why is Paul back?" my trembling voice returning as I finally spat this out. Suddenly I felt nervous and scared, as soon as those words had left my mouth it was if I had just executed my own curse. "Is it because he. he.. Wants me?" I stuttered, fear building up inside me - and I wasn`t one who scared easily, hey I deal with ghosts on a daily basis give me credit here! "I mean, least time he tried to - he says that he`s a shifter and that I am one too and. that he wants to show me all these great things.. I was scared.. He said he`d hurt Jesse if-I - " I stopped short and gulped, the realisation hitting me like a ton of bricks. Tears began welling up in my eyes as I stuttered, "H.h.he .wants Jesse. doesn`t . he? . he.. He.. He`s going to.. To hurt Jesse.. He wants... he wants to take.. to take Jesse away from me.." By now the tears were spilling over my lids and trickling down my cheeks. I was frozen to the spot, my legs wouldn`t move, the phone was glued to the side of my face. It was like the tears were the only things that were alive, pouring out of my eyes like a small ocean. Paul`s words came back to me "I`ll get you for that Jesse" they kept replaying over and over in my head, everything else seemed to vanish into the background. The room, the phone, Father Dom - they all vanished and what was left was my love for Jesse and my hate for Paul. I felt my cheeks burning with hot tears; the pain was what brought me back to reality. Slowly I placed the phone on it`s hook, forgetting all about Father Dom on the other end, and I slowly walked up the stairs. I got to my bedroom door and paused, what if Jesse was in there? I was crying! Which would be pretty embarrassing on it`s own, but it was worse than that. I was crying for Jesse.  
  
I decided to go into my bathroom instead, I walked through it`s door and went and perched on the side of the tub, letting the tears stream freely. I never thought I1d see the day, me, Susannah Simon, crying over a guy! Well, it wasn`t any guy, it was Jesse, the guy I loved. I was making little whimpering noises as I held my head in my hands, I couldn`t believe Paul would do that! After our little talk - that bastard was going back on his word! Many thoughts like this went through my mind, but the main thought was `What if he succeeds? What will I do without Jesse? ` That one thought alone set off a new batch of tears. "Querida?" A deep, gentle voice echoed through the air. Jesse, I thought. That`s funny, I never even knew he had materialised. I must've been crying so loud I didn't hear him. I looked up at him, he met my gaze with his own, those deep brown eyes of his making me cry even more. God how I`d miss him! I bowed my head again, tears streaking my face a soft rainbow colour. I don`t actually know what happened next, one minute I was sat on the edge of the tub crying and the next minute Jesse had wrapped his strong arms around me and I was crying into his shirt. We sat there, just like that, for a few minutes before Jesse whispered softly in my ear, "What is wrong querida?" which started me off on yet another new batch of tears, everything he said, or did, all I could think was `God I`ll miss that if Paul gets his way`. It wasn`t fair! Here I was, sat in Jesse`s arms and all I could think was that I`ll miss him. Granted, a bathroom isn`t exactly the perfect setting for a romantic moment but hey, I`m not picky!  
  
The tears streamed down my cheeks, each droplet burning my face like scolding ember. Jesse hugged me tighter to him; I rested my head on his strong chest as he stroked my hair, comforting me. It was nice. If I wasn`t crying at the possibility of losing Jesse it would probably have been a lot nicer though. "What`s wrong querida?" Jesse whispered again, into my hair this time, "You can tell me" He`s so sweet! More tears escaped from my blurry eyes, "I.I.." Well, that`s as far as I got before the tears began streaming again. "ssshhh.." Jesse whispered, almost so quiet that I barely heard it. He bent his head down and planted a sweet, wonderful kiss on my forehead, "ssshhh." he said again as he began rocking me in his arms.  
  
We sat there, just like that, for over an hour before the tears finally calmed. Maybe being in Jesse`s arms was what did it, either way it felt wonderful. Even when the tears almost stopped Jesse still cradled me in his arms; his head snuggled into my hair. It was so nice, so why the hell did I go and spoil it? "Jesse." I whispered, he pulled back slightly, his arms still around my waist, "Paul wants.." I began but the change of expression on Jesse`s face at the mention of Paul made me stop. His face was scrunched up and he looked murderous. Gorgeous, hot and sexy still, but with an edge of fury. He looked me in the eyes and I felt myself blushing, but after the tears it didn`t seem that important anymore. "He wants to what?!" Jesse screamed, well, not exactly screamed, more like said a little harsher than - ok, screamed. I picked up on Jesse`s meaning almost immediately. "No, no he doesn`t wanna do that" at least I hope not, I added silently, Jesse`s face relaxed a little at this. "he wants.. he wants.." I gulped as Jesse stared at me. "He wants to do what Susannah?" Jesse added, his gaze intensifying. I took a deep breath, I mean, how do you tell the guy you are in love with that the guy who is in love with you wants to kill him without letting the guy you love actually know that you love him? Did you get any of that? Oh well.. "Paul wants to. get you Jesse" I squeezed out, tears lingering in my eyelids. Jesse just looked confused, oh right, the whole 21st-century-lingo thing! "Hurt you.. Kill you." I added, tears leaking from my eyes. The look on Jesse`s face made me realise that I`d just said Paul wanted to kill him, hello! It`s not really a threat to a ghost, they`re already dead. "Revenge" I whispered softly, the tears were once again streaking my cheeks gently. "Jesse. Paul wants to... Paul wants to take you away from me-" what had I just done?  
  
**I know it`s a long chapter but it`s better than it being 2 lines isn`t it?! Anyway, hope u like it! What will happen next, how will Jesse react to suze`s little - erm - speech? I wonder.. ;-) review and ull find out! ** 


	8. Obsidian Twilight

** Ok people, sorry about the wait but here it is! Finally! I've been busy working on another fic so it`s taken a while, sorry bout the wait but I hope it was worth it! A mysterious visitor in this chapter, any guesses towards who it is? Lemme know wot u think k? **  
  
=) ENJOY!  
  
As I stepped into my room the smell hit me like so many unshed tears, the strong pungent odour of sea salt and beach flooding my room like an unbridled tidal wave heading straight for me.  
  
I gulped, swallowing back the fresh batch of tears I felt brewing in my eyes. It was obvious from the open window that Jesse wouldn't be making an appearance anytime soon and I knew precisely why.  
  
Because he'd kissed me.  
  
That was it, as simple as that. He kissed me and regretted it so he'd just gone and dematerialised on me - leaving me to stew for a couple of days until Id forget about it.  
  
Trouble is, I never would. Forget it I mean.  
  
Just like the last two times he'd kissed me it was burnt into my brain, indented in my mind for all eternity. Just as I was thinking this, the eternity part I mean, an image of Madame Zara pooped into my head - she had told me I was a mediator (and of course, she was right) but then, she had also said I would have one love that would last for all time.  
  
For all eternity.  
  
And this was the part that bothered me right about then.  
  
Of course, if she was in fact right about it, and I had no reason to doubt her, then I knew fine well who that one love was..  
  
I started crying again. Uncontrollably.  
  
I made a dive for my bed, clambering onto my mattress as if it was my only means of survival; my body hit it hard. Vibrations shuddered through the pink satin blankets as I crawled underneath of them, tears spilling over my lids onto the soft material, staining it with memories.  
  
As I buried my face into the pillows images flooded my mind - New York, Gina, my new family..mom, dad.  
  
Jesse.  
  
That's where my mind seemed to stick, replaying scenes with him over and over again. The many times he'd told me how much I suck at being a mediator, the several situations he'd helped me out of, the time he touched my face in the hospital..  
  
The kisses.  
  
They were always so sweet and tender, his lips against mine would wash away all worries I had and just take me into a world where everything was perfect, I was happy. Me and Jesse were together. But as soon as he pulled back the World would start up again, knowing we would never be together because he didn't love me.  
  
The tears trickled down my raw cheeks, burning me with such a fierce intensity that I had the urge to scream.  
  
To scream loud, blowing all boundaries of love-hate with my shrill voice echoing through the room.  
  
Instead, I bit my bottom lip, keeping the pain locked inside, bubbling furiously in the pit of my stomach.  
  
The day passed without even one `Are you ok` visit from Jesse, although I did get lots of cake and ice-cream from my mom and Andy, who apparently - according to Doc - were really worried about me.  
  
They didn't have the right to get all emotional! They weren't the ones who could lose the only person they would ever love!  
  
Thinking about this only made the tears stronger, dripping frantically onto my pillow creating a small stream flowing through the pink satin. I wrapped my arms tightly around the back of the cushion, gripping it with such a force I felt my fingers going numb.  
  
Who cares though? I thought to myself, who cares?  
  
I felt something rough brush against the back of my hand, spiked tips digging into my flesh. I flinched.  
  
I unclasped my hands and dug around for the offending item, my fingers traced over the soft linen of the blanket and eventually rested on what felt like a photograph or a card of some sort. Pulling it out from under the satin I blinked, more tears gathering in my already full eyes as I stared aimlessly into the depths of it.  
  
Jesse's miniature.  
  
Tears dripped onto it's shiny surface, trailing over the dark handsome smiling blissfully, leaving long trains of rainbow colours as the tears drifted off the edges. It looked blurry, all the different shades of black and white twirling together like an old-time classical symphony - the beautiful smile focused intently on me as I held the photo to my face, crying into it like that's as close as Id ever get to the real thing.  
  
I pretty much stayed there the whole weekend, pathetic - I know. Several things crossed my mind as I lay there, dwelling in my own self-pity:  
  
1 - Yeah Paul is back, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to mediate Jesse 2 - I'm a mediator, shifter or whatever Paul said I was too - I have the same powers he does. I could stop him. 3 - He's not getting Jesse 4 - He's not getting Jesse 5 - He is not getting Jesse!  
  
Sadly enough, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do about it - whatever "it" was. The simple reason being, that for everything good point I came up with, I also came up with about 10 bad to match it. Although I did realise one thing, through all the tears, pain etc.  
  
Before he left, I had to tell Jesse I loved him.  
  
If I didn't, Id probably spend the rest of my life regretting it..  
  
No matter how long that life would be.  
  
But, of course, thinking about telling him and actually telling him were two different things completely. If I just thought about telling him, in my mind I could also think up what he'd do in response - picking me up in his strong arms, carrying me over to my bed, lying me down and kissing me..over and over again until my lips got all sore and puffy.  
  
I sighed, knowing, of course, that when- and if - I told him it wouldn't go like that. He'd probably just laugh at me for being so stupid or he'd tell me sorry, but he didn't feel the same way.  
  
Yeah, the kiss in the graveyard was great and all but I hardly think it was an admission of love! I mean, since then, Jesse hasn't even mentioned it.  
  
I was glad I had no `visitors` that weekend, no ghosts, if I did they would probably just have been told to come back Monday or some other weird work- orientated cliché. Father Dom didn't even bother me, he obviously knew better than that after I started sobbing down the phone before hanging up on him.  
  
Poor guy, Id have to apologise for that when I saw him..  
  
Which was the next day, Monday - at school. The conversation went pretty much like this:  
  
Me: Father Dom, I'm sorry about crying and hanging up on you but I was a little upset about J - everything.  
  
Father Dom: It's ok Susannah, I know how you feel about Jesse and although I don't think it's very healthy, I am not just going to tell you to get over it. I forgive you.  
  
Me: Thanks Father Dom, Id better get to class now  
  
Father Dom: Yes of course, you don't want to be late. Goodbye Susannah.  
  
Of course, that is not how it went. I was just making that part up. If it had gone like that, it would've been a lot easier and lot less confusing..  
  
This is what really happened:  
  
~*Walking along the silent halls towards homeroom Father Dom approached me, I could sense him from a couple of feet away, the odour of purity echoing around him like an invisible aura.  
  
"Susannah, can I talk to you?" he asked, turning around I saw him gesturing to his office. Grudgingly, I followed him - I didn't really want to talk about what I was sure he had in mind. I knew I`d start crying again, it had taken all of my will-power to get me to stop and get to school without embarrassing myself by bursting into a hysterical weeping fit in front of everyone.  
  
In the office I sat down, the small chair squishy under my weight. Father Dom took the seat around the other side of the desk, and sighing, he began.  
  
"Susannah I `m sure you know what I wanted to talk to you about?" He asked, his voice gentle and smoked with streams of concern flowing in his tone.  
  
I nodded my head, unsure of speech - it sometimes had a way of turning itself on me and causing trouble.  
  
"So you'll know that I'm about to tell you that falling in love with Jesse is just going to present more problems don't you?" I gasped, my eyes went wide at this point - like cartoon characters I swear, I was expecting him to say a lot of things, about my mediating skills and how we could beat Paul at his own game blah blah blah  
  
But this?  
  
This I wasn't expecting.  
  
"What!?" I couldn't help but scream, a gentle flush working its way up from my neck. Father Dom gave me a knowledgeable look, you know they type, where the person just looks at you and you know that they know.  
  
"Susannah, I heard how you were crying over him on the telephone and I know that it's because you are falling in love with him and I'm not telling you to grow up and get over your feelings, I'm just saying that if you allow yourself to get involved then it'll be harder for you when he does finally move on." he leaned forward in his desk, looking me right in the eyes, "which could be soon" he warned, those ever so familiar tears began creeping back into my eyes and before I could stop it I was blaring like a little baby.  
  
Father Dom stood up abruptly and came to stand by my side, leaning down he patted me on the head like you would, say.a dog! It was obvious that he hadn't dealt with women in a long time.  
  
"Susannah, I'm going to allow you permission to go home ok? You need to think this over and find out a way to fix things.." Father Dom murmured.  
  
Fix things?! I felt like yelling, Fix things!? What needs to be fixed? I can't just stop having these feelings for Jesse! And plus, what if I don't want to? What if I want to love him... what if I want... *~  
  
That's pretty much all I remember of that, the next thing I know is that I was at home - tucked back up in bed crying to Jesse's photo.  
  
Sometime during all the tears I fell asleep, I know this because I distinctively remember the scream that awakened me. It was harsh, shrill and quite girlish.  
  
Damn it, I thought to myself as I slowly let my eyes flicker open, can`t a girl wallow in peace any more?  
  
As my eyes started to focus I saw the source of the noise, a woman was standing just over me.  
  
"Hello Susannah" she said mockingly, ruby red lips forming a gentle smirk on her face, "So we meet again"  
  
"Shit"  
  
**hmm.who ever could it be? *G* I know.. Wots ur guess folks? Ull find out in the nxt chapter, juts be sure to review and ill post the update soon! Love ya all, thnx for all ur support! Shud this fic continue?** 


	9. Tools of the trade

**well heres the next chappie folks, sorry about the extremely long wait, ive had this lying around for a while now but with exams and stuff I haven`t had time to post it hehe! Anyway, hope its worth the wait! Please read and review! ENJOY =) **  
  
I shuffled backwards on the bed, rolling away from the darkness leering down at me. Clutching Jesse's miniature tightly, I managed to manoeuvre myself so that I was sitting on the opposite end of the bed.  
  
Trouble is, ghosts can materialise wherever they want, and this particular one wanted to be right in front of me.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I spat out, teeth clenched and mouth forming a firm grimace. My eyes were blazing, wherever I looked I saw red radiating back at me.  
  
I thought that was just a saying, you know - seeing red as in when you're angry. not so much anymore.  
  
"Just paying a friendly visit darlin`" the woman said, her voice was like thorns - coiling around me to the state of suffocation, knives digging into my bloodstream cutting off my circulation.  
  
My life.  
  
Standing up, I cam face to face with the ice-bitch, "You couldn't pay a friendly visit to your own mother!" I screamed, pushing past her I went to sit in the window seat.  
  
The empty window seat might I add.  
  
No Jesse.  
  
Just great.  
  
She came sauntering over ever so casually, long midnight black curls swishing against her back like a light breeze - or a tornado whichever suits- tight fitting bodice clinging to her olive skin like blood to a knife, her knife - in someone else's body. Her hoop skirt was wobbling as she moved, swaying from side to side I was sure if I just pushed her gently, considering the weight of it, she would just -  
  
"But I've changed Susannah, I'm no longer the person I was." She sounded almost sincere, I almost felt intrigued to listen and add my input, of course.  
  
"No, you're worse." I muttered under my breath, feeling her eyes on me I started to get up, to run - go grab Andy's tools that I kept, just in case, you know I had to deal with a very uncooperative ghost.  
  
"But I have Susannah." she said softly, almost too softly - considering this was the woman who had tried to kill me several times, "Just give me chance to prove it."  
  
I sighed, she did sound different - human almost. A faint smile was spread across her lips as I noticed her approaching me at a quicker pace, within minutes her presence was smothering me - energy wrapping tightly around me and digging deeply until it could go no further.  
  
The moonlight streamed through the window, casting gentle lemon shivers over her flawless complexion - even death hadn't scarred her physically. Waves of powdered dust settled on her skin, dissolving into her like sherbet on your tongue - soft and sweet - with bitter undertones. If I hadn't glanced at her the moment I did, I never would have seen it. There was a predatory gleam in her ebony eyes, huntress in the middle of a big game.  
  
I could see it in her.  
  
I don't know why but I had a bad feeling about everything right about then, "No" I spat out, eventually answering her unasked question of `would I give her a chance`  
  
"No" I repeated again, lingering fear burning the back of my throat like alcohol too strong for digestion. Anticipation lined the pit of my stomach with such a fierce intensity I felt tingles rippling through me, like a waterfall cascading over rocks or the ocean during the onset of a storm.  
  
Her face hardened, "What do you mean no?" she said, it was obvious from her tone that the words were forced - she was trying to keep the gentle tone in her voice but with ever bitter syllable that passed her acid mouth, it was fading away.  
  
"Just like I said it. No." I mumbled, I tried desperately to get my tone to be hard and fearful - you know, like the warrior chicks in those movies, but lets just face it. Susannah Simon is no warrior chick. My voice sounded more like a strangled animal of some sort - all shaky and barely a whisper.  
  
"Fine then - we'll do it my way." she grinned, scarlet tinged lips shimmering with streaks of moonlight as that amoral twinkle took pride position in her eyes.  
  
Then, before I had time to stop it, move, or anything - a hand stretched out - almost like a reflex action - sharp and harsh, like that of a tiger and it rested over my mouth - limiting my abilities to speak, scream or whatever.  
  
I writhed furiously under her grasp but sitting on a window seat with someone pinning you down - kind of difficult position ain't it? But that didn't stop me trying - I kicked with all my might and flung my arms absently at the psycho-bitch who held me.  
  
"You wish to know why and how I'm here, am I right?" her voice was ice cold, hypnotising, evil submerging from it's depths, "Well I`ll tell you."  
  
Gradually I stopped struggling, started listening to what she was saying - with the occasional glance over to the hiding place of Andy's tools.  
  
She grinned at me, laughing sardonically before speaking, "Well, if you want to know how I got here you may wish to ask your little boyfriend."  
  
Jesse was the first thought that came to mind, not that he was exactly my boyfriend - much to my disappointment, but to some people - like Paul, he might seem to---  
  
Wait, I ordered my thought.  
  
Paul.  
  
He would call himself my boyfriend, even though he wasn't, he would tell others different. He would say it just to get me all worked up so that I would.  
  
"As for why I am here." Maria`s pointed voice drew me away from my own mind, "Lets Just say I owe a favour to an old friend." she smirked knowingly, eyebrows quirking up in emphasis as her eyes shot to the window behind us.  
  
Slowly I managed to turn my head, her grip loosening somewhat, I swore quite colourfully at what - or rather who - I saw.  
  
**there u go! I know I left it on a bit of a cliff hanger didn't I? Hehe evil arent I? Mwoahahah! Hehe anyway, who u guys think it is? Lemme know ur guesses! Plz read and review and ill update a.s.a.p.! promsie! Thnx 4 all da reviews I got so far! So many happys hehe ** 


	10. Hauntedby the living

**It's short, I know..but I have been busy with school presentations and stuff, along with organising my birthday (19th July for all of you who wanna email me virtual cards hint hint hehe) but at least this is something, right? The song in this one is by Stratovarius by the way, I think it suits lolz Anyway, I`d like to say thanks to all my reviewers:  
  
Jennifer - Yes, I agree, Paul is very much of a bastard and I care to send him to the ninth dimension of hell!! ..if he didn't already live there that is, damn. As for Jesse, well...you'll see soon enough ;o)  
  
Gorbash33 - Yes, I am very evil mwoahahaha!!! But that's what you get for having several crazy, vampire muses running around inside your head isn't it? Anyone wanna borrow one? Please? Glad you like!  
  
Alcyone - Thanks for the review, I plan to write a lot more don't worry ;o) I have a plot [kinda] and a computer..a lethal combination for me hehe And as for the next Jenny in training.well, just give me a crown and call me Jenny! [it is my name too anyway lolz] Hope you like this chapter!  
  
Rain - Thanks for the review! *hands tissue* and don`t cry, my writing isn`t that bad! Hehe is it? Anyway, hope you keep reading, and reviewing of course! What is a girl without her loyal reviewers?  
  
Emily - Yes, Paul is very evil and not in the good way ;o) I feel like killing him in this fic, very painfully hehe and maybe the dead can gang up on him for his bad mediator skills hehe lolz Glad you like!  
  
Jackey - Well, you`ll see what her answer was in this chapter! *hands stress relief doll that looks remarkably like the infamous Paul Slater* you`ll need this when all is revealed hehe ;o)  
  
Imasecret13 - Hehe lolz, you sound like me in most of the reviews I leave! Thankies for the comments, I do have stuff on fiction press, feel free to check it out my name on there is strawberry-miow, if you can't find it email me and I`ll give you the link if you are desperate to read hehe And, for your reading pleasure, I have updated!! Hope this meets your expectations hehe Enjoy!!  
  
~*~  
  
~* I've been washed in pain  
  
Haunted by the ghosts of years ago  
  
They won't leave me be  
  
They keep coming back for more*~  
  
~*~  
  
Darkness simmered through the plate glass of the windows as I climbed back into bed, the quilts rough and disturbed as my eyes did all but close.  
  
Paul had left with a smirk right after I`d give him his answer, that ice bitch Maria too.  
  
Lying in bed I still couldn't believe what had happened, him showing up in the middle of the night, threatening me with the ghost of the woman who had attempted to kill me on several occasions, telling me what I had no choice to do and then just fucking off back to that little dimension I like to call hell.  
  
What a night! And they wonder why I fall asleep in class.  
  
I sighed, tossing and turning like a tornado amass the brush of a storm, everything in disarray as my mind whispered illusional misfits of what might happen.  
  
None, of which, were good.  
  
But that isn't what kept me awake, well, not really. It was worry more than anything, mixed with a little dash of anger and upset at Jesse for not showing up to kick their asses.I would have loved to see those two go flying off the rooftop! But no, couldn't even do that for me, could he?  
  
Seriously, I saw him more when he was living [and I use the term loosely] in the rectory!  
  
Men.  
  
Sighing, I shuffled again, trying to get comfortable in my bed of self- constructed thorns, the poison in each inch of greenery finally taking over as I settled into a deep, uncontrollable slumber.  
  
~*~  
  
The sky was as blue and flawless as the heavens, birds chirping a cheerful little number or two as the loud beams of golden sunshine streaked through the ether, rainbow shimmers striking here or there in reflection of everyone's happy, cheerful, perky attitudes.  
  
I just wanted it to rain.  
  
The sky to grey over, light to disperse into that of it's second and the hard, thick bullets of the clouds tears to fall down on me like a sad frown. I really wasn't in the mood for any of this today, or any day really.  
  
"Morning Suze" Paul met me outside the building, the tan bricks of the academy's walls blurring into his navy jeans and black shirt, a big grin spread across his face as his eyes twinkled with victory while I walked up the pathway.  
  
I wanted a thunderbolt to strike him, or at least some sort of painful amputation.  
  
No chance in hell, of course. But if it was him wishing it to me.chances are, I`d be all electric in a matter of seconds.Typical, huh? I sighed as I approached, putting on my best fake smile and smoothing down my skirt, making it look as if I was at least trying to act the part. He was lucky I didn't break his nose, or any other part of his anatomy I could get my hands on..at the moment, castration was very appealing.  
  
"Morning" I said, a little too cheerfully for my liking, it took a hell of a lot of effort to keep the hatred out of my voice let me tell you.  
  
.And even more effort to stop me from breaking his wrist when he linked his fingers with mine.  
  
I hated him more than ever for what he'd made me do.  
  
I only hoped Jesse would appreciate it.although knowing him he would tell me I was being stupid, should of told him so he could go kick Slater`s ass, I shouldn't be risking my virtue for him..anything I forgot? Oh, yes, and that I suck at being a mediator. Well, that about covers the basics I guess.  
  
Maybe I just, you know, wouldn't tell him..  
  
I sighed, snapping back to reality with the roaring of a large gathering, screams and catcalls invading my ears as I groaned in frustration. I looked around, it seemed the whole student body had heard about the so-called "newest couple" and was crowding around for a little look-see.  
  
In the mass of faces I saw the likes of Kelly Prescott and Debbie Manacuso glaring daggers at me, the overbearing shouts of "Way to go Slater" or "Go Suze!" somewhat annoying to the point where I wished they were all dead. As in ghosts I mean, I sighed, at the moment the dead seemed to be easier to deal with than the living.  
  
"Come on Suze" I heard Paul whisper to me, his eyes sparkling with playfulness, "We better leave if we wanna get in a little action before Homeroom" my mouth literally dropped open at that point, seriously, it would have been funny if it wasn't happening to me.  
  
I just blushed, turning away to look back into the crowd that was slowly dispersing into their various groups, I grit my teeth together wishing for once that they would stay gathered around me. As I said before, no such luck! You see, I don't get three-leaf clovers.I get the stems!  
  
I followed grudgingly as Paul dragged me along the corridor, fingers tightly gripping mine as if he was frightened I would get free and run.yeah, I would of if I could but not the point at all! He shouldn't know that, it's a little unsettling.  
  
"Suze! Suze!" An ecstatic face almost ran into me as I was steered around a corner, I looked up, translucent eyes met my own, sullen almost white hair framing a shapely face and a broad smile. Cee Cee glanced at me knowingly, slyly eyeing up Paul who had stopped to gloat, "So it's true then?" she squealed.  
  
I let my eyes close briefly, taking a few breaths to calm the nausea in my stomach. I felt sick, I really couldn`t believe what I was going to say, admit.it made hot bile splash against my throat as the skin around there tightened in remembrance of Maria`s hand.  
  
"You`re.You`re." the albino girl screamed, almost too shocked and excited to get her words out. Lucky for her she had good old me, as usual.  
  
"Dating Paul" I stated, tone bland and unemotional as a firm grin painted the one in questions face, her next question though caught me totally off guard.  
  
She leaned close to me, whispering in my ear so as Paul wouldn`t hear, not that he was paying any attention to the girl, he seemed a little distracted talking with a nearby Jock about my, and I quote, `qualities` I really didn`t wanna know.  
  
Cee Cee`s words touched my ear, "What about Jesse?"  
  
.Good question..... 


	11. The neverending lies

**Well guys, another chapter another part of the story, I'm trying to cut it shorter than the original length that would result in about at least 20 - 25 chapters.so far I'm having no success though.anyway, here is this chapter! Please read and review!!!**  
  
~*~  
  
~*Lately, I had desperately pondered,  
  
Spent my nights awake and I wondered,  
  
What I could have done in another way to make you stay,  
  
Reason will not teach a solution,  
  
I will end up lost in confusion,  
  
I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go*~  
  
~*~  
  
The dark infinite shades of the sun streaked mildly through the ether, now deep and shaded in deep azure, as we stepped into the parking lot. The grey gravel was painted with silent screams, each looming shadow a step further to pushing me into the deep end of insanity. My hand was still decoratively entwined with Paul's, as it had been all day.much to my displeasure I might add.  
  
He had made it a little task, so he called it, to let everyone share in `our` happiness and love..yeah, right! He told them all that we'd got together one night, he found me while I was getting my ass kicked by a big, meaty guy [I`d like to see him call Maria that to her face..] and in came saint Paul to the rescue, knight in shining armour.if he had, I would have liked to stab him with that sword they carry! Every-time he told it I felt the sickness in me growing and growing, edging towards me almost kicking him or breaking his jaw.just petty stuff, you know?  
  
I didn't though..I hope Jesse appreciates how hard it was not to hurt the bastard! I really do!  
  
I sighed, standing in the middle of infinity with the one guy I hated, yet everybody else seemed to love.typical, huh?  
  
"But I have to study tonight!" I lied, Paul was trying to coerce me into letting him come over, apparently being his girlfriend in name only now also means I have to live up to that name if you know what I mean. I`d tried every excuse in the book, including the pathetically girlish "I have to wash my hair" Dopey laughed at that, mumbling something about the vanity of chicks.  
  
Oh, did I not mention that bit? Yes, my step-brothers were there too..all three of them, just to make it all so much better and they were actually helping Paul instead of their own.well, not exactly Flesh and blood but damn well close enough!  
  
"Well." Paul purred, pulling me into a tight embrace that made me grimace, "I can be your.study buddy" I really didn't like the way he said that, and the way he was looking at me..no, didn't like it at all.  
  
I opened my mouth to speak when Doc - which was quite surprising - spoke up, he had remained quiet the rest of the conversation so everybody turned to look at him, making the tips of his ears flush a gentle red, "Having a study partner is the best assured way to improve your knowledge of the given subject" he said, spouting his young intellectual knowledge, "Your brain power is multiplied and the attitude changes to one of positive, it is really an effective way to get through a lot of work since you don't realise just how much you are doing with a friend there" He looked at the ground after his speech.  
  
Paul grinned, and I cursed under my breath. Damn, run out of excuses.  
  
"Looks like I will see you tonight after all" Paul remarked smugly, gripping my hand so tightly it caused a shiver of pain to erupt on my flesh and I was pretty sure I would have a bruise tomorrow.  
  
He led me - if that is what being forced is now known as - to his car and pushed me into the passenger seat, slipping himself into the other in the process he grinned and I reluctantly buckled up my belt as the engine purred to life and we sped through the streets, world in flashes of anything better than this, which, was pretty much everything.  
  
I sighed, drowning in the music flooding from the speakers in the hope of getting lost in the tune and never returning, even the shadowlands looked good in comparison to this.  
  
~*~  
  
When we reached my house I climbed wordlessly out of the car, what was the point in making some big deal out of it now? What could I do about it? It wasn't like Jesse would just show up and save me this time, he hadn't when I had been threatened the night before.so, if I argued and fought and got in trouble.I was on my own. Oh great.  
  
I sighed, leading the demon-incarnate up the walk to my house, Andy was still at work, doing.well, whatever it was he did [note to self: find out what his job is] and my mom was sitting in the kitchen with a mug of coffee.  
  
At first I tried to sneak past her and up the stairs but she wasn't having any of it, "Suze?" she called out, "Is that you?" I rolled my eyes and grit my teeth as she walked into the main room, dressed impeccably in blue and white she smiled warmly.  
  
"Hi mom" I replied, sounding bored despite my attempts not to, she didn't seem to notice though, she was too busy looking at Paul who had somehow managed to link my fingers with his, he smiled back at her, charmingly.  
  
"Hello Ms. Simon" he greeted her nicely, which made a pleasant change, why couldn't he ever talk to me like that? I sighed, dragging him away, or attempting to drag him away, from my mom's inquiring eye.  
  
"Hello" she replied, turning to face me, big smile on her face, "Is this your boyfriend Suze?"  
  
I growled, or at least tried to but it came out sounding more like a strangled cats meow, "Yes." I finally spat out, trying to hide the venom in my voice, "Mom, this is Paul Slater" I didn't bother introducing them properly, I wasn't in the mood for niceties.she smiled wildly at us both before I said, 2We have to go study now" and I dragged him away and up the stairs to my room - yes, you read that right, my room, well you see where else could I take him without having to at least act interested?  
  
His hand wrapped around my waist as we walked through the door, it slamming shut behind us as he grabbed hold of me and kissed me hard. I felt my knee twitching, wanting desperately to hit him where it hurt but I knew I couldn't.so, resigned, I kissed him back.what else could I do?  
  
His tongue swept through my mouth and I really wanted to bite it, yet, as he had reminded me many many times during the day, if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, I could say bye bye to Jesse, and despite how he felt - or rather didn't feel - about me, I couldn't let him go.  
  
My hands reluctantly wrapped around his neck and he grinned against my lips, I wanted nothing more than to smack that smirk off his face but what could I do? Nothing.nothing at all.oh how much I hated him!  
  
His hands wandered down my sides until they rested on my hips, his fingers slipping under my blouse is when I called the end of this little game.I tried to pull back but he increased his grip on me, holding me close he manoeuvred us to the bed where he pushed me against the mattress, I kicked and hit at him trying to get free but only resulting in him pressing himself harder against my body, his hands somewhere under my blouse as I squirmed and squirmed to get free..the bastard!  
  
"Susannah?!" A deep voice tore him from me and I was glad, that is until I was able to sit up and see the source.Jesse was standing over by the window seat, his face looked pained, more so than I had ever seen him before and I just wanted to say something to make it all better but I knew I couldn't.  
  
"Jesse, I." I began, there wasn't anything I could say to deny what he had seen, or eve make it seem ok because I knew that if I had told Jesse the truth, Paul would mediate him there and then.I met Jesse's eyes briefly, "I..I`m sorry." I murmured and just before he dematerialised I could of sworn I saw something sparkling in his eyes.  
  
Damn. 


	12. Slater vs Dignity

**Ok, ok I know it's a little short, but hey, I updated quickly didn't I? Since I got like 6 reviews at least an hour after I put it up I thought, why not? Hehe so here it is, I hope it is ok. Thanks to anyone and everyone who has reviewed! Hope you enjoy!!**  
  
~*The sun rises to another day  
  
My constitution keeps changing  
  
'Til it slips away  
  
So I lie awake and stare  
  
My mind thinking, just wondering  
  
Is anybody there?  
  
Should I stay or go?*~  
  
~*~  
  
I couldn't believe it.I just couldn't freaking believe it! After like, a week of not showing his cute ghostly butt around he just has to show up when I would have really preferred him not to! I mean, he saw me kissing Paul, god knows what he must think.that I love Paul? That I actually want to be with the demon-leader bastard? I wish I could just tell him what was going on.why I was doing this but then would come the question.  
  
WHY?  
  
I was really beginning to hate that word, because if I answered it, it would be like admitting that I love him and I can't do that.no no no, I know before I said I would, that I had to.but nooo.  
  
I snapped out of my silent reverie by a bound of cold, chilling chuckles. I glanced at Paul to find him standing near me laughing - yes, laughing - at the whole thing. Now I know what you're thinking, why didn't I just hurt him? Well, you see, if I did no more Jesse and if there was no more Jesse no more.well, Jesse! I just couldn't deal with that!  
  
I sighed, turning to face Paul, "What's so funny?" I asked, hoping to sound calm.  
  
The chuckles died a little but a firm grin remained on his face, "This is even better than thought it would be!" he laughed, and I scowled.he thought Jesse being hurt was funny? How dare.  
  
I caught myself there, wondering why exactly Jesse had looked so hurt and why he looked like he was almost upset and crying..why, that annoying little word again..maybe he really did love me.  
  
Yeah, and maybe Satan would dive through my window right now and take Paul to hell where he belonged.Be realistic, Suze!  
  
"What do you mean, `better than you thought`?" I queried, generally interested with a slight hint of scepticism on my face..what did he think this was about?  
  
He turned to face me then and the laughter died, replaced instead by a smug smile, "Honestly Suze, I didn't think you were as dumb as your cowboy lover- boy." he purred, stretching out a hand to touch me I took a step back, away from him and his expression turned deadly, "I warned you Suze!" he snapped.  
  
"And I warned you!" I countered, "You can only push me so far, I thought you learnt your lesson last time! I agreed to be your girlfriend Paul, hell, I even let you kiss me but more than that and I draw the line!"  
  
He took a step forward, eyes as cold as the night, "What? You're seriously waiting to do that with DeSilva?" he laughed, "From what I've heard ghost aren't very skilled in the hormonal department" he purred, shrugging, "Lack of.substance"  
  
I fumed, pushing him away from me without thinking, hoping to cover my blush, "You will have lack of substance in a minute if you don't get the hell out of my room!" I yelled, yeah, way to assure Jesse's existence Suze, right on!  
  
His eyes widened, presumably in shock, I, of course, took advantage of his momentarily fall from grace and kicked him in the shins, "Now!" I screamed, "Unless you wish to also leave without certain parts of your anatomy, preferably those down below!" As in emphasis I kicked him right in the family jewels and he winced, stumbling towards my door, he straightened and reached for the handle.  
  
"You know that by doing this Suze you are putting yourself and that cowboy of yours in more danger than ever anticipated, right?" he smirked, "You can't beat me Suze, you will be mine - no matter what it takes"  
  
"Paul?" I said sweetly, smiling with innocence as he turned to look at me, "I hope you get struck by lightening and hit a bus whilst falling off a cliff onto spikes" a little over the top I know, but hey, does Susannah Simon do under-the-top?  
  
Err.can we just forget I said that please?  
  
Anyway, Paul looked a little shocked to say the least, his expressions was priceless and almost ghost-like (and not the hot-ghost way like Jesse, more like those in movies with the white sheets and all) another time, another place.I would have laughed. Now, there were more important things to deal with.  
  
.Like Jesse.  
  
I all put pushed Paul out of my room, slamming the door on him I walked over to my window, watching as he robotically climbed into his car and drove off, not so much as nodding or looking up to my window.and I have to admit, I laughed then, I couldn't help it! He looked like that robot from Star wars, R2-D2, the one with the automated voice and all.it really was hilarious.  
  
After I finally got over my bout of the giggles I flew my window open and preceded in climbing onto the roof, it was getting quite dark as the moon etched vaguely in the sky, faint shimmers of stars coming into view - I had to go and see Jesse, I had to explain.  
  
And In knew just where to find him. 


	13. Whats this life for

**OK guys, next chapter is here! I`d like to apologise to all of you about the #$* figures and so on in the last one or two chapters but it wasn't my fault, FF.net did it with everything uploaded the past few days.I've tried uploading it again and again with the same errors, even after typing it again so I do apologise and I understand it is difficult to read so if you all wanna read a copy without those in email me at strawberry_miow@hotmail.com and I`ll send you one ok? I'm trying my best.Anyway, here is the next part.enjoy**  
  
~*~  
  
~*I see your soul, it's kind of grey  
  
I see your heart, you look away  
  
You see my wrist, I know your pain  
  
I know your purpose on your plane*~  
  
~*~  
  
The streets were dark as I jogged along them, moonlight filtering through ebony haze in a swirl of what I`d hoped to have been forgotten. Shadows flickered across the hard, concrete ground, eerie figures of shaded trees and lingering animals out on the hunt, all blanketed in the quilt of darkness that engulfed the world under a sheet of silence and forbidden promises.  
  
I sighed, I couldn't believe what I had just done! After accepting Paul's offer to keep Jesse safe I had completely shoved it back in his face and kicked him out of my room.God, how did I get off being so stupid?  
  
I mean, yeah, sure it seemed understandable at the time.I changed my mind and rejected it because he was trying to get a little hot-and-heavy with me, which of course I was so not going to allow, it was a kind of spur-of- the-moment decisions but then there was Jesse.  
  
I saw how hurt he was and just big flashing lights flickered through my mind, I know how much he hated Paul and to see him in my room.it was like a repeat of the alleged hair-clip incident all over again. Deep down I kinda hoped that Jesse had been so upset because, you know, he was completely head-over-heels in love with me.somehow I doubted that theory though, considering how he always disappeared on me after, dare I say, a `moment of passion`.  
  
What was I going to do now though? I couldn't exactly go back to Paul and say `oh I am so sorry for kicking you in the shins and wishing death on you, please take me back oh God that you are` that would just be pathetic, not I don't think he would - I know he would - take me back I mean, but I don't want to have to do that, if I just told Jesse the whole story maybe we could come up with something, you know, enlist the help of the ghost brigade and the friendly priest.  
  
.God, even to me my life is seeming more and more like something out of a soap opera.  
  
Now I'm pretty sure I could get a guest spot on Opera, maybe even Jerry Springer.  
  
Heck, I could probably even get my own prime-time TV show..the girl who talks to ghosts and other supernatural thrillers, what ratings.  
  
I shook my head, swearing that the whole deal was getting to me, making me delusional and all, at least I hoped it was the situation. I saw the glittering onsets of the Junipero Serra Mission Academy ahead, tan bricks shimmering with moonlight and shadowed with the night. For some reason I remembered the time I was here at night, saving Jesse from the shadowlands, the great beyond and all.  
  
Funny I would think of that now, hmm? I seriously hoped Paul hadn't got to Jesse yet. it was sacred ground, surely that kind of thing was banned here.  
  
You'd think so, wouldn't you?  
  
I walked around the side of the building, the way in was around here somewhere, you'd think they'd have learnt to get better security by now wouldn't you? Apparently there's a `flaw in the budgeting` well, their loss - god, could I get any more cliché?  
  
The creaking window finally came into view, I silently [well, as quietly as I could] undid the loose latch and pushed it open, climbing through the open window and landing softly on the other side, my feet firmly on the ground alerting no attention to me whatsoever.  
  
Yeah, right!  
  
I fidgeted with the latch for a few seconds, trying to get it to loosen to open the window, last time it was easier.seemed they had fixed the actual window yet not the latch to open it from the outside, after a few more minutes of profuse swearing and a few clicks and scratches the window flew open inwards, smashing off the side off the building in a loud bang. I bit my lip, hoping no one would notice.  
  
They didn't strangely enough, they must have all been off doing religious things or sleeping off the stress, and believe me - with two mediators and Father Dom in the building, they must have a lot.  
  
I lifted my leg to climb through the window when I heard a booming screech in the distance, I turned my head to look where it was coming from and, forgetting about my balance of course, fell straight through the other side of the window, landing in a crumpled pile of kick-ass wannabe on the floor.just great hmm?  
  
Anyway, when I finally recovered my dignity I closed the window, just in case, you know, anyone came along inspecting the building [God knows why they would choose to do it at night, but oh well nobody is completely normal are they?]. I slowly walked to the door and pulled it open, stepping out into the empty, and did I mention dark, hallways, jogging as quietly as I could along them until I came to the entrance to the graveyard..  
  
Well, now or never right?  
  
Funny how my mind was screaming never.  
  
I swallowed my anticipation in a huge gulp of air and stepped outside, the sounds of the night haunting my ears, senses exploding with the tingling at the back of my neck, whenever I came out here I always seemed to expect a million lost souls jumping out on me, you know, with knives or axes or pretty much whatever they could find and try to kill me.I had definitely had too many bad experiences with ghosts.and watched too much TV.  
  
I took a few steps along the small dirt track, moonlight shimmering over all the death in the grounds when I saw the gentle glow of a lone figure standing near one grave in Particular.one I knew well.  
  
"Jesse." I whispered as I came up next to him, he turned to look at me, even in the darkness I could see his usually dark eyes were full of sadness.  
  
He turned away quickly, eyes flickering back to the gravestone in front of us both, "Why Susannah?" his voice sounded pained and hurt, I hadn't seen him like this since.  
  
.Since the last time he thought I was in love with Paul.  
  
I sighed, not quite sure what to say, "Jesse." I began, "I...I'm sorry.I didn't mean to.it just.well.happened.I." I couldn't tell him the truth, I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't seem to get those words out.  
  
His eyes seemed to flicker in the dark, shimmering with the moonlight like light to dark, "If you love him you should be with him Susannah." he sighed resigned, I tried to interrupt, "But I don't."  
  
Love him, I was gonna say but Jesse stopped me, "He was right what he said you know.you are better off with him, he can give you all the things you want, you can grow old together, get married, have a family." he seemed kind of saddened by those words, that's when I realised he couldn't have those things, never got those things..he would only have been twenty at most when he died, or should I say was murdered, I understood that par of what he was saying, the part I didn't quite get though was what he meant `he can give you all the things you want.` as in opposition to what? He couldn't? Yeah, I wished.  
  
"Jesse." I pleaded, begging him to turn and look at me, "I don't want any of those things.I don't want any of it and I certainly don't want Paul." my voice was on the verge of breaking, "Please Jesse.just listen to me!"  
  
He turned to face me, his eyes looking into mine, "Please Jesse.I don't love Paul, I don't even like him." I gulped, "I only.I only did what I did to make sure I.I knew what he was planning" Damn it, I just couldn't say it. "Even so." I heard Jesse whisper, "It has made a lot of things clear, thank you Susannah." a slight smile flickered across his lips but it was hung over with sadness and resignation, he stretched out a hand and brushed my cheek, leaning closer he touched my lips with his own and electricity fizzled right through me.  
  
As soon as I felt his strong hands slide around my waist I then knew that this kiss was not going to be like all of the others, where they had been soft and gentle, almost reassuring this one was quite the opposite. It was laced with fire and ice as his lips touched mine, molten passion trickling between us and when his tongue probed against my lips I thought I was going to faint.luckily he kept me from doing such by pulling me closer, I willingly granted him entry to my mouth and as his tongue searched the confines of my mouth I did the same to his, it was like a dream.heaven almost, the feeling of being so close and connected to him.  
  
It died soon though as he pulled back, sadness etched in his eyes as he smiled gently, hugging me tightly before he dematerialised with a sigh.  
  
When he was gone I looked down at his gravestone, tracing the words with my fingers. Was it possible for one person to feel deliriously happy and heart- wrenchingly sad at the same time?  
  
You see, when he had thanked me then, I thought it was just for helping him realise a few things from the moment.  
  
I hadn't realised the full extent of the words.  
  
"Thank you Susannah.for everything"  
  
It was as if he knew what was going to happen to him, at the time, I had no idea how much..  
  
~*~  
  
~*Don`t say a last prayer  
  
Because you could never find  
  
What's this life for.*~ 


	14. In love with your ghost

__

AN: Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I updated, it's just I'm kind of ill at the moment and I've had to have tests done and all that other medical stuff. I apologise for the delay and know how anxious you all are to read it* sniggers* yeah right, so here it is. This chapter isn't very good in my books but that's maybe because I'm running out of inspiration for this fic…oh well, let me know what you think and if I should continue or not. Thanks, as always, ~*Jennifer*~

****

Life's Kiss

By strawberry_miow

__

Chapter 14 - Don't wait for Destiny…

There's not enough room in this world for my pain  
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain  
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most  
I'm in love with your ghost…

The paper trembled in my fingers, tears pricking the back of my eyes threatening to fall. But I didn't care. It was as if reading those few sentences in that letter had completely tipped my world upside down and, to be honest, it had. Jesse was leaving, the only person I had ever really loved was leaving me - but not just on a temporary basis, oh no, once he went that was it. Until I died of course, and being who I was, I seriously doubted I would make it into heaven to see him. 

"No…" I whispered, turning teary eyes onto Father Dom, "He can't leave!" I protested, my voice raspy from the feelings bubbling inside, "You can't make me _do this_…" 

He looked at me with somewhat of a sympathetic expression, cerulean eyes weighted by heavy brows knit together, "Susannah, I'm not the one who wants you to do anything…this is for Jesse…" I gulped, he was right, not that that fact made it any easier though. My heart felt numb, my whole body aching with some sort of emptiness and I felt completely hollow. 

"If this is what he wants Susannah, you know you have to let go, don't you?" his voice was unusually calm and I felt like screaming, _Hello, life crisis here! _But I didn't think it would go down too well, if you know what I mean. I took a few deep breaths, trying to control the sense of shock flooding my veins and willing with all my might for the pain to go away. 

"I know…" I whispered, "I knew it would happen someday I just…never expected it to be so soon" I thought that Jesse would move on one day, yes, one day in the year…2086 or something, not now. I never imagined him actually _wanting _to leave either, I always thought sometime he would just figure out what was keeping him here and then poof, for lack of a better expression. It was all just too much to handle. 

Father Dom simply nodded, fondling that packet of cigarettes he always had for when things got tough. Funny how those _things _always seemed to have a tendency to revolve around me. 

"When?" I asked suddenly, surprising even myself. I don't know why but for some reason it seemed important, "When's the exorcism?" 

He rubbed his temples, a notion I noticed he only ever did when he was growing impatient, "Now Susannah…you know you have to let him do this--" 

"Please Father Dom, I just want to say goodbye properly…" yeah, that was true, of course. I was hoping that I would show up and Jesse would be all surprised and with it being his last moments on this planet he would call out `Querida, I love you` and I would go `I love you too` and he would stop the exorcism and run to me for a big smooch-fest. Likely, I know, but a girl's got to dream doesn't she? 

He sighed, a long deep breath echoing around the room as if he knew he would lose, "Tonight…" he murmured, "Here at the school" 

With that I stood up, smiling weakly, "Thank You" I said before running out of the door, I didn't tell him this of course, but my plans involved going home and looking through a certain big black book that just happened to be school property. Maybe it had some sort of `_How to stop you loved one from being exorcised_` section. 

Or maybe not. 

~*~

The house was quiet as I stepped through the door, which was understandable with everybody either at school or at work. Well, apart from me of course, yet I wasn't meant to be there. But technicalities…right? That big dog of ours barked as I eased the door shut, walking through the main room he ran up to me and I patted him on the head, just so he would be quiet of course. At least he was no longer hounding Spike or Jesse. Although only one of them was there now though…

I gulped past that thought as I ran up the stairs, it was already two in the afternoon by the time I`d managed to get home. First I had to find Dopey and Sleepy to tell them I didn't need a ride home, then I had to actually get out of school without being noticed. You really _do not _want to know how I managed to do it. Trust me on this one. 

As I walked into my rooms, my eyes automatically darted to the thick black book on my bed. The cover was sprinkled with sunlight from it's position and it looked so inviting…as if I should just curl up and read it, forgetting about everything else. The tears that pricked my eyes told me otherwise though as I walked over to it, perching on the edge on my bed as I began to flick through the pages. 

__

I could have just stolen the exorcism book… I mused to myself, _Then they wouldn't be able to exorcise him…Do they even have an exorcism book? _I shook my head, the last I remembered of exorcisms was Father Dom telling me I wasn't allowed to do anymore involving blood. That had really put a damper on my day…

"Elixer`s….Energy….Energy transfer…" I mumbled as I read through the index page, "Exorcisms!" I smiled as I turned to the page. "The most ample and effective type of exorcism is that of the catholic way, no sacrificial instruments are necessary and the subject…" I trailed off, groaning, it was just about different types of exorcisms, typical! Nothing at all on how to stop one…my romantic hopes and dreams were dashed in a second. 

With a sigh I began to flick through the other pages, hoping maybe there was something under another category, my heart thumping in my chest in anticipation and fear. If I didn't find something…I gulped, then it was Goodbye Jesse. 

I found that the book was quite useful in terms of mediating, it had everything from the best approaches to troublesome ghosts to the top ten ways to kick ghost butt, it was like a haven to me. Of course, a Jesse-less one if there was nothing of use in this particular area. I only wished I`d had this book when dealing with the whole Maria ice-bitch situation. 

Suddenly, my eyes froze on a page. The bright red lettering calling out to my bleeding heart, I traced over the words with my fingers, just to make sure it was real and not some weird, tormenting dream. "Life's Kiss…" I whispered to myself, so there _was _a way to bring him back! I knew it!! 

My eyes were drew to the bold font in the centre, yet again in blood red ink, what looked to be some sort of rhyme… I whispered it softly, just to hear the words: 

"_ By the power of one_

By the power of three

Under the goddess

If it's meant to be

Give me a sign

To the other half of my soul

Show me the way

Let time take its toll"

"Suzie?" my mom called, drawing me away from my reading, "Suzie are you there?" 

"Yeah, I'm up here mom" I yelled back, just a little bit frustrated. Come on, you would be too if you had found the way to be with the one you loved and you couldn't find out how because your mom was calling for you. 

"Ok honey, dinner will be ready in five" I froze. We usually had dinner at six-thirty which would make it now…six twenty five, which meant the exorcism would begin in precisely thirty five minutes which made me…late!!

Slamming the book shut I literally jumped up off my bed and walked over to my window, if I wanted to do this I had to go now and I had to go so my family didn't see me. If that meant skipping dinner and possibly ending up grounded, then so be it. With a gentle tug I opened my window, stepping out into the night I began my journey to the school… 

__

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me  
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly  
Dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close  
In love with your ghost…


	15. Standing Still

__

AN: I apologise for the somewhat lack of updating that has happened with this, as of late, I have been really ill. Between hospital visits, family problems and college it hasn't left much time. I don't know how I managed to find time to write this but I hope it's ok, it isn't as good as I would have liked it to be but I hope it is at least readable. Thank you all for being patient with me and please review, it'll cheer me up n_n Oh, and the song in this chapter is by Jewel; it's one of my favourites at the minute. Well, enjoy! 

Always, Jennifer xxx

Life's Kiss

By strawberry_miow

__

Chapter 15 - Standing Still…

Do you love me, like I love you

Or am I standing still

Beneath the darkened sky

Or am I standing still

With the scenery flying by

Or am I am standing still

Out of the corner of my eye

Was that you passing me by 

Are you passing me by

The cool wind whipped against my face, cheeks tingeing red and lips parted slightly for harsh breathing. I pumped my legs as hard as I could, energy dampening with the realisation of what I was doing; hopes flickering them dying, igniting again only to be snuffed out by my own inhibitions. It was like I was standing on the cliff edge, sharp spikes of the ocean swirling below somewhere between a field of soft roses and a hollow of sharply poised blades. 

And I jumped. 

I took a running leap and found myself sailing through the air, like walking in a dream to some extent I suppose you could say not quite sure if I was actually living this all or not. Dazed, confused it all bubbled down to the same inevitable conclusion: I was going to go through with this. 

The clouds overhead darkened as I sped up, pace thrumming through my body with lingering sensations of fear, excitement, upset, ecstasy. Hell, I don't even _know _what I was feeling! My stomach was overfilled with nervous butterflies and my heart was pounding so hard against my chest I thought it would leap out and start it's own race to the school. Yes, I was just a little delusional…I think it had to do with the lack of oxygen getting to my brain. 

Moonlight filtered lightly over a rather burly, dusty looking building as I kept my eyes set straight ahead, the miles I had just exercised nowhere near a scratch in my mind - I could have just ran over ten continents to get here and I wouldn't have cared. Nothing mattered right then but one thing….

"Jesse!" I cried out as I set foot onto school grounds, "Jesse! Where are you?!" 

A loud crackling erupted through my senses, a flash in the perpetually grey sky and my mind clicked into automatic; running around the place like I deemed say…a headless chicken would as I attempted to manoeuvre myself to the source. Cursing for the thousandth time for not having a flashlight, I paid a nice little visit to my old friend Mr.concrete, crashing headfirst into the wall. 

Ok, ok it was stupid I admit and you'll be happy to know I have already crossed `secret Agent` off my career choices. Apparently I'm not stealthy enough…

It was all because I was worried!! I wasn't _concentrating_, just running blindly. 

I don't advise it. 

A soft beated chanting cut through my eardrums as I trampled through some bushes - god, how I hoped they weren't poison Ivy. At that point in time I was pretty ready to burn every last plant of that sort before joining a group against it's growth. Grumbling, I forced myself to perk up and listen to the words…

The silence of the night, contradicting with the somewhat eerie humming and the harsh pants of my breathing sent two words out into the impregnable ether, "They've started…" 

I don't know what came over me at that point but I suddenly found myself running harder than I ever had in my life, if I`d been thinking about it at the time I probably would have had some weird preoccupation about joining the track team but my mind was kind of busy. The chanting grew louder as I approached, slowing to a hasty walk as I spotted the tell-tale stream of grey light emanating from the sky; Father Dom standing there observing and….Paul?! 

I blinked. 

Paul Slater was doing the exorcism. 

I blinked again.

Paul Slater was doing the exorcism?! 

My eyes narrowed as I carefully inched my way forward, eyes intent on the figure contained within the grey fog. I stood there, teary eyed as spirals of fog coiled their way around Jesse's arms and legs, fingering their way around his smooth stomach and wisping silently against his olive skin. 

"He's really going through with it…" I whispered to myself, biting my lip to stop tears from falling, "He really wants to…" 

I swallowed hard as sullen steam poured out around his ankles, lifting him about an inch at a time up into that infinite space that screamed unknown. I wanted to do something, _anything_ to stop him from leaving…to stop him from leaving _me_. Father Dom`s words echoed round and round inside my head like an incisive pain…

__

If this is what he wants….

You know you have to let go…. 

I choked back a strangled sob threatening to burst free.

__

You know you have to let him do this…

"I know…" I whispered to myself, "It's just…hard to let go…" 

I shoved my hands in my pockets, slightly surprised when my fingers brushed against a sheet of paper. Curious, I pulled it out. Jesse's letter… I fought to hold back my emotions as I skimmed over the text one last time, breath catching in my throat at one line:

__

I`ll miss you

I smiled despite myself; at least now I knew he at least liked me. Somehow that made it worse. 

__

But some things were never meant to be…

I read that line again, and again. 

I froze: was he saying what I thought he was saying or was it just me looking too deeply into it? 

Why hadn't I noticed it before!! 

Before I had chance to think it over, or even control myself to some extent, I had ran forward to stand just a little in front of Jesse, opened my mouth and said: "Please Jesse, Don't do this!!" 

Paul glared and Father Dom sighed but they barely registered in my mind, my eyes were set on that pair of impregnable black staring out from within grey smoke. 

"Please!!" 

I don't know what I was expecting but what I got what not it. 

Jesse regarded me coolly before whispering in a low voice; "Go home, Susannah" 

It took me a good few minutes to realise what he had said, and another few to accept it. Tears brewed in my eyes and unconsciously rolled down my cheeks, I squared my jaw and set my gaze firmly, "No" 

He sighed, "Susannah…" 

"I'm not leaving Jesse" I informed him as I took a step towards him, "I'm not leaving unless you can look me in the eyes and tell me _truthfully _this is what you want" ok I`ll admit, I was terrified. I was so afraid he was going to turn around and say just that, say he didn't like me and he left that letter out of nothing more than common courtesy. My breathing was shallow and chest heaving with effort as I kept my eyes on his, not an easy task when you knew you could end up losing the only person you would ever love. 

I inhaled sharply, as his eyes grew darker, meeting mine head on and his mouth opened to speak. I was sure I was going to lose him then, that he was going to voice my fears. 

His mouth remained open for a moment before he tore his gaze away and sighed. 

Another step closer, "Then why are you doing this?" 

His voice came out as a bare-thread whisper, eyes sullen and whole face screaming resignation yet I didn't dare as to hope. He let out a long draw of breath before answering, "Because I have to" 

"You don't _have _to do anything Jesse" 

He shook his head, " I _do_. I do or…we both knew this would happen eventually" 

The sound of my heart breaking shattered through the night air, I gulped and the next words came out before I could stop them, "But I love you!" 

He blinked, mouth hanging open in shock as Paul growled low in his throat from a small distance away trying to speed up the exorcism by chanting faster. 

Noticing this, I panicked. I just _could not _let Jesse go, I know if he wanted it and all but… 

"If you're leaving then I'm coming with you" 

Jesse's eyes snapped open wide at this point, "Susannah, you…you can't….I won't let you…" 

I steeled my resolve as I stepped forward so I was all but one footfall away from the grey spiral of light, "You can't stop me Jesse, I'm not going to let you go" with tears falling down my cheeks I deftly stretched my arm out into the smoke and touched Jesse, rumbling came from above and the earth shook slightly beneath my feet then….the light beam vanished. 

Just like that. 

Now, I know I haven't exactly performed a lot of exorcisms or anything but from my knowledge they don't end with the ghost in question still standing there. 

I was completely frozen in shock as everybody tried to figure out what had just happened, Father Dom furiously flipping through a punch of papers he had in his arms while Paul kept on chanting, louder and louder as his voice edged with frustration when nothing happened. 

A startled cry cut through the confused silence and a loud thump snapped us all out of our musing, I turned my head to look at the spot Jesse had been standing in and my heart stopped cold in my chest. 

I let my gaze follow the stream of the night downwards to cool concrete, as Jesse's body lay unconscious on the ground. 

Oooooooh crap. 

**__**

Do you need me, like I need you

And do you love me, like I love you

Or are you passing me by

Are you passing me by

Or am I standing still


	16. Asphyxiated Loving

__

AN: Yes, I know it has been months and months since I last updated this but things have been happening that haven't really left me with the will to write if you know what I mean. For that, I apologise and would like to greatly thank all of you who have kept reading this and say sorry it's taken so long. I know it's short and probably very bad but it's better than nothing, right? So, enjoy! And please: REVIEW! Cheer me up, ne? Jennifer  
  
DISCLAIMER: Oh, didn't you know? All of the characters from the book live under my bed. Apart from Paul who is tied up in my closet. No, I don't own it. Its my birthday in either days…wanna buy me it?  
  
**Life's Kiss  
By strawberrymiow  
_Chapter 16 - Asphyxiated Loving   
  
_****I wish you were here tonight with me  
To see the Northern Lights  
I wish you were here tonight with me  
I wish I could have you by my side  
Tonight when the sky is burning  
I wish I could have you by my side….**

I vaguely recall various feelings that erupted within me: anger, pain, hurt. I felt something akin to happiness, a tender affection that burned like hot white lightening deep inside my heart. I remember how my eyes spat hot tears, falling to the ground like a stream of blood as the flame of my existence was purged into inevitable darkness.   
  
I remember too much.   
  
The cool air whispered around me, raindrops falling in gentle symmetry from the obsidian silk above. I memorised how the droplets of liquid felt as they hit my skin, trickling down over my nose before integrating with my sadness and gushing to the ground as the soil turned dark.   
  
It's true what they say, you know. In regards to all emotion we are only human: pain and hurt is often the loudest in retrospect whereas joy is often too quiet to be heard.   
  
My mom used to tell me stories when I was a child, how in every feeling there are a thousand more. In hate there can be love, in pain there can be happiness. I winced, fighting back the tears, "In death there can be…life" sobs racked my small frame as I stared down feebly at the crumbled figure on the floor.   
  
I didn't hear the footsteps beside me.   
  
"Susannah?" Father Dom enquired, placing a gentle hand on my arm.   
  
I jumped slightly, his presence jolting me out of my own thoughts as I steadied my gaze on the ground, "I'm….ok" I lied, "He's dead…he….he can't hurt anymore" silence greeted me in response and I raised my head to look him in the eyes, "….r…right?"

The old man let out a small sigh as his usually smiling baby blues twinkled with something akin to worry, an eerie uncomfortable silence dragged on as I felt myself swimming in the canals of denial and heartache.   
  
He _was_ gone.   
  
_Jesse _was gone.   
  
My one true love was _gone_.  
  
And I couldn't accept it.   
  
"It was for the best" I hear the priest's voice whisper silently among the contradicting thoughts that embodied my being. I can strangely note how the soil beneath our feet was growing weary with small dotted patterns of moisture, how the scent of saturated grass was sending tingles through my sensors reminding me of a different time, a different place.   
  
I remember thinking how love never felt more complicated.   
  
I inhaled sharply as I fought against the tears, biting down on my lip as I forced the words out; "I….know"   
  
I received a brief pat on the arm and a timid whisper in my ear, "_Ghosts and humans can't fall in love_"   
  
I think I cried more after hearing that affirmation than I ever did upon knowing Jesse didn't feel anything more for me than simple friendship.   
  
I was acutely aware of skin brushing skin as a note was passed into my shaking hands, how a musky scent fading into the night deemed me abandoned. Alone.   
  
Through the tears I tiredly grazed my eyes over the writing:   
  
_You are Susannah Simon.  
You are a Mediator.   
  
_I knew what I had to do.   
  
_  
**Burns like a thousand stars  
Though you're light years away  
Burns like a thousand stars or more  
You're up there  
You're always with me  
Smiling down on me**_


	17. Bringing the Fire

__

AN: Ill admit I have been neglecting this little baby for a while, having become more interested in the shounen-ai fandoms and writing quite a bit of original stuff. Not to mention college and University applications: UCAS, the bane of my life. I finally managed to find time to sit down and write this. I appreciate all of the comments and reviews I've received! I really do! And it eventually inspired me to update, I will get round to things I generally just need to be prodded with a large stick for motivation first. I have a Livejournal too if any of you wish to add me, I sometimes post fanfiction in there and works in progress. Name is Niahmas. Ill gladly friend you back! Anyway, I hope this chapter is ok for you all. I'm not too happy with it as I know there a lot of mistakes and whatnot. It could have been much better and isn't up to my usual standard. Please enjoy anyway, and dont forget to review! Love and hugs!

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Life's Kiss  
  
By strawberrymiow  
  
_Chapter 17 - Bringing the fire_

I can't recall how long I stood there for, only vague traces of the passing of time enrapturing me in beat between two worlds. Dark clouds gathered above as the night aged, a thin stream of white light mingling in the mists of a fragmented moon; stars taking over the sky twinkling like old tears staining the memory. My eyes hurt. A nauseating pain pounding at the back of my skull with the torrent of wounds locked behind the prospect of human viewing. I tried to move, the lead weights drawing me down as the feeble attempts of leaving it all behind were vanquished in a heartbeat. I couldn't, not the tears streaming down my cheeks nor the intensity of the pain curling up inside. Rain thrashed against the cold hard pavement like bullets, each one striking another sense of realism into my bruised and battered heart yet this…feeling, whatever it was…it wouldn't let me move. Or should that be wouldn't let me give in?  
  
I glanced down at the crumpled sheet of paper still clenched tightly between white knuckles. The ink was smudged, the first letter of my name swept across in a simple strike through demeaning my very presence in what was apparently my right. I bit my lip, fingers stained with the forgotten blood of so many forsaken souls, soaked black from vengeance and the unnecessary hurt I made them all go through.  
  
Yes. _Me_: I didn't have to interfere, nor did I have to lead them to salvation through the eternal anguish they had to play over again and again. A black and white movie running with no film.

Mediator; the destiny handed to an unwilling victim at the tender age of three. The grey blobs on the stairs with silent voices and a heart of steel. Confiding in a child to lead them forward when she, herself, doesn't even know the difference between back and forth. A gift? A nightmare? Duty.

__

Mediator n. One who mediates; especially, one who interposes between parties at variance for the purpose of reconciling them; hence, an intercessor.

Once more I let my eyes rest on the huddled abstraction of vulnerability before me. There was no blood. I don't know why but I always thought there would be. Somebody dies, any form of the taking away of life, of hope; all of a flooding of the lifestream escaping the body at long last. Spiritual freedom, Biological rights. Being present at the murder scene is bad enough: a morgue, mortuary and all of those other places one hears about, even makes jokes about not once considering it could become commonplace practice. There is something oddly calming however, about the serenity of a dying ghost. Ironic I know, how can something already dead be taken out of commission once more? How can nothing become even less?  
  
Simple: he wasn't just nothing.

My vision was disturbingly crystal clear as I walked over, kneeling before him like a prisoner awaiting execution. The atmosphere was horrendous: the air thick and heavy as the situation sunk in. I dont know what happened to Father Dom or Paul. I knew they were there, I may have been upset but nothing can dampen the intuition of one who speaks to the dead on a daily basis.

His face wasn't even bruised, his body wasn't disfigured. It seemed for all the world he was sleeping, features as soft as satin as the rain washed over them. I traced a droplet with my finger. Whispering over his brow and the embedded worry lines creasing the relaxation even now, skimming over his eyelids in mockery of the very life he couldn't possess. I found my own body shaking once more, the gentle simplicity of such motions as these riding it all home with a hammer to my broken heart. His cheeks, his lips…I lingered, memories of those soft petals upon my own another chain to carry.

I cried then; properly.

The moisture built up in the back of mahogany bliss before the dying down of such an emotion levering it all forwards with a harsh racking sob. I clung to him: arms tugging him to my chest tightly as I buried my head by his cold, unfeeling shoulder. A clap of thunder rumbled in the distance, a flash of intolerability flickering through the night as the downpour merged with my own salted wounds tumbling towards an indifferent ending of such an eloquent fairytale. The handsome prince in the arms of the kingdom paying his last duties to the one whom loved him.

"I'm sorry…." I breathed out, a cloud of exasperation murmuring by my lips in the intertwining of fire and ice: destinies little bitches. His hair was so soft, the obsidian locks brushed against my cheek as I moved back wanting to see his face: see those eyes; "I….never wanted….this to happen!!" I cried out, my voice shrill and a wail of distress a few notches more than I would have liked.

It was time.  
  
I had no other choice but to say goodbye.  
  
My clothes were soaked through, the heavy material clinging to my body weighing me down even more. Whispers lined the helpless skies as I spoke, "I love you" I placed my own lips against his for one last time before I was led away by the elderly Priest. He promised me he would give Jesse a proper chance. I promised him I would try and believe him.

I had a dream that night.  
  
Paul was hunched over Jesse's body, the rain was still gushing from the sky and they were both soaked through. Father Dom had broken his promise momentarily for the comforts of a warm drink: leaving the honours to my nemesis. The expression on the mediator's face was comforting yet at the same time unsettling; he didn't have that usual cocky grin nor the predatory scheming smirk. He looked almost wistful: pensive.

_By the power of one_  
  
He spoke, his voice like a single flame lighting up the dark as the words that poured from him were encased in a feeling I had never experienced nor witness before in my life: no less from one Paul Slater.  
_  
By the power of three_  
  
"She would be better off dead too you know" he mumbled with careful resignation, "I gave up competing with you when you were still alive so to speak. Well in comparison to now" he sighed, it was a gentle sound, much more so than I though capable of such a brash figure: "I tried to make her happy Jesse, I tried to make her smile. That's all I ever wanted for her, you know that dont you? I bet you think I'm glad about what happened, that it was my evil scheme all along. Can't have her while you're still around so Ill take her when you've gone"__

Under the goddess

  
  
A crackle of lightning blared through the crying sky: "No offence, but I have more class than that"__

If it's meant to be

A singing breeze swept past, ruffling his dark hair with an impish nature: the locks were tousled and doused with moisture as he looked down with such awe.

__

Give me a sign

"She'll never let you go, you know. I can try and I can try, and maybe, one day, Ill finally get there but no matter what I do or what I say I will never compare"

__

To the other half of my soul

He bit his lip, brushing a hand through his startled locks; "She will always love you Jesse, even if she promises her heart to me, in hers it can't possibly be anyone else. I'm not jealous, I've past that now. I am simply resigned. For whatever happens, and whatever she happens to say she will always belong to you"

__

Show me the way

Two twin raindrops fell simultaneously onto two dead eyelids and an intense charcoal of burning fire lit up the twilight with hope and faith.  
  
_Let time take its toll_  
  
I sat upright in bed and I gasped.

I had to talk to Paul.


	18. Voices in my head

Sorry for the huge gap between updates guys, to be honest I haven't bothered much with fan fiction for a while -- focussing more on original stuff. The start of college also threw me a little off track as dealing with the Biology of Speech Production is a lot more heavy going than I thought. But, since I'm home for the holidays and have a lot of spare time I'm determined to finish this. The next chapter is already half done but I want to know if you guys are still interested or if you've moved on due to my apparent absence from the fandom.

Either way, here's the next part! I'm sorry it's shorter than I would have liked but hey, I'm a cliffhanger whore.

Voices in my head  
By strawberrymiow

It was two days later that I finally got the chance to hear of - never mind see - the infamous Mister Paul. School had been nothing but a blur - English followed by History, doubled with Biology; dinner and bed. The same thoughts, the same distractions and the same damn should have dones taunting me every step of the way. I think we had pizza for dinner. I think it had pepperoni on it, I remember the slice idle between my fingertips, burning against my skin. I gagged as it touched my lips, wriggled down my throat and settled like a rock in the pit of my stomach. I hated pepperoni. I guess it could have been anchovies, they always gave me stomach problems. I passed on soda, passed on dessert and retired to my room for another long and lonely night.

Thinking about it, I guess the irony would have been pretty hilarious if it wasn't happening to me for a start. The first real boy I have a chance with - want a chance with - and he isn't a real boy at all. Only I would have my heart broken, cry endlessly and mourn over someone who was, effectively, never really there at all.

Too late for that now, I cried. Oh how I cried. Bawled, screamed, whimpered; abused adjectives! Enough of that. You get the picture, I was having a pretty bad time getting over it all. And what does a girl like me do when she is a tad depressed? Lock herself away from the world, of course.

For the first time in my life I told a ghost to "Go Away" in words less than appropriate for something my mom may end up reading someday. Father Dom would be ashamed of me - hell, I'm ashamed of me. But I can't take it back now. It happened, I'm still getting over it. End of story.

I went into school the day after, feeling not my best. My hair was hastily tied back and my clothes probably looking like something I had salvaged from a back street wreckage. Nobody said anything, nobody cared - so neither did I. Speaking of Father Dom, he seemed to be avoiding me. I'd damn near ransacked his office and he was nowhere in sight for a "Susannah! No!" or a lecture on the Quantum Physics of Non-Physical Presences. However that related.

I have to say I was a little disappointed. But mostly I just wanted to be alone. Except for Paul! I needed to speak to Paul! Now don't ask me why but for some reason my dreams were talking to me. I said don't ask for a reason. Ever since that one stupid appearance of him whilst I was (not so) happily snoozing away I couldn't get him or Jesse out of my head. So I had to speak to him -- sensible girl that I am, the conclusion was as obvious as night from day. And Monday from Saturday. Pepperoni from Anchovy -- enough with the getting distracted!

He'd smiled in my latest dream, a real smile. Teeth showing and glaring some stupid bright white. Jesse, of course, just laid there. Still on the ground, still outside and still in the rain.

Paul had been talking to him, I had been an onlooker. From the Far South as my Grandma always used to say, though by that she usually meant ten miles out of down in the opposite direction. She was a sweet lady, smelled of butter mint and ashtray.

"I'm sorry," the Paul in my dream has whispered, "I should have just let you have her. I should have just took her before she got so hooked on you. I should have, I don't know, been normal! And now, here she is, in love with a freaking corpse!"

And that word stood out.

Corpse.

I don't know why, I think I just gathered that the equation of Ghost plus Dead didn't equal a physical object lying like a rock. Or even that Ghost plus Now Dead could really work.

"But you'll see her again," he had continued, "You'll see her real soon, I promise" his voice dropping to a whisper as he bent down, pressing his cold battered lips to Jesses with one more whisper; "I promise".

Some sort of crazy right? He seemed to disappear at that and the damn book that I'd taken from Father Dom shivered through pages in the wind. My mind incanting the stupid rhyme even in my sleep.

I woke up, admirably, confused.

I ate breakfast and became even more so.

Catching Paul deemed a rather difficult job, especially when he didn't seem to want to be caught. I managed to spot him sometime between fourth and fifth period, sauntering down the hallway. Really, there was no other way to describe it. His hips had this jaunty angle about them, his steps neither long nor short but simply -- relaxed. Like I said, saunter.

I yelled. Echoing like a lie down the linoleum clad hallway, cheap lighting flickering like a disco ball overhead. And again, I tried, giving up as he all but smirked in his stride and carried on. So I ran, one foot in front of the other I told myself, do not trip, do not fall, do not think of more causes to embarrass yourself. But in all honesty, I didn't care. Jesse was my main concern and through Paul, I had some bizarre idea that I could come to the bottom of that.

I tugged on his jersey, one sharp, hard pull and he paused - turning to look at me with a vehement pout on his lips. I couldn't be bothered with his cocky attitude right then, I just wanted answers. I wanted -- hell -- I didn't know what I wanted, I don't even know why I expected him to know. I was even going to tell him about the embarrassment of him kissing Jesse in my dream as if that would explain everything. What was I thinking! Point is, I do imagine, I wasn't. Sleep deprived, hungry, sick and mourning. I was allowed to have my off days too.

I opened my mouth, ready to spit out some sharp witted sentence along the lines of, "Why is my boyfriend cheating on me with you?" Right. The in my dreams bit. Yeah. Or, "What happened to my Jesse you Mofo--" I didn't even know what that meant, so it was out of the books. Ignoring it, I glanced at him and my mouth suddenly went very very dry. He had Jesse's eyes.

Oh believe me, I was completely one hundred and ten percent assured it was Paul. But those were Jesse's eyes. I think I must have gasped too loud - out loud - gaped too long or something because the next thing I know the smirk I recognise all too well it forming on his lips, tinged with the whisper that changed it all:

_"He's Alive"._


End file.
